Understanding the Hidden Needs Behind Money Disputes: Insights from a Psychologist and Financial Consultant
Understanding the Hidden Needs Behind Money Disputes
How are money and relationships interconnected? What truly lies beneath arguments about finances? How do Belarusian families typically manage their budgets, and why? With the support of Nova card from A1 and Alfa Bank, we delve into common scenarios that arise in families with different budgeting styles. Financial consultant Liubov Kuzmicheva and psychologist Natalia Olifirovich provide their expert commentary.
What Finances Reveal
There are three primary budgeting styles: separate, joint, and mixed. In the separate style, each family member manages their own money independently. In the joint style, all money is pooled together. The mixed style combines both shared family funds and personal funds for each partner.
According to financial consultant Liubov Kuzmicheva, Belarusian families often prefer the joint budgeting style and rarely opt for the separate style. This preference can be attributed to both objective and subjective reasons. Families with children find it challenging to maintain separate budgets due to numerous shared expenses. Additionally, some believe that being a family means having shared finances.
The choice of financial model is often based on the experiences gained from their parental families, personal views on money, and each spouse’s role in earning income.
Psychologist Natalia Olifirovich explains that Belarus, situated between the West and the East, experiences conflicting influences. Families in Belarus exhibit a variety of relationship models. One common model is the conservative family, where the man is the primary breadwinner, and the woman is the homemaker, managing household duties and caring for the husband and children. However, the modern family model, where both partners have equal rights, responsibilities, and contribute equally to the family budget, is becoming increasingly popular.
Interestingly, when conflicts about money arise in a family, the root cause often lies beyond the financial realm.
Separate Budget: For Those Who Value Independence
The defining characteristic of a separate budget is the absence of a shared family fund. Each partner decides how to spend their own income. This model is often chosen by partners with roughly equal, typically high, income levels who are accustomed to self-sufficiency and value financial independence. This approach allows each individual to pursue their dreams and financial goals, fostering personal financial responsibility and minimizing disagreements about money.
Situation 1: Separate Vacations
A man and a woman have been married for three years with no children. They have similar income levels. The wife plans a vacation with a friend because the husband cannot afford to join her. He feels upset that she is going without him, and she is angry that he cannot accompany her. However, she refuses to cancel the trip, believing she deserves this break.
Financial Consultant’s Commentary
Liubov Kuzmicheva notes, “The main financial mistake this family makes is the lack of agreements. Even with a separate budget, it is essential to communicate. Couples should discuss key points such as their desires, common goals, and how to achieve them. If during the conversation, the couple decides they want to vacation together, then each bears the responsibility for the vacation, leaving no room for resentment.”
Psychologist’s Commentary
Natalia Olifirovich observes, “The man in this scenario is in a childlike position, and the woman is not acting as his wife but rather as a maternal figure. The ‘mother’ is leaving him, making him feel inadequate and unwanted. The woman, by leaving amidst an argument, reinforces this feeling.”
If the wife wants to support her husband and their relationship, she should stop competing and proving her rightness. She needs to find words to convey that she is leaving not to get away from him but for her own well-being. This trip is necessary for her to restore her energy and resources. This approach increases their chances of enjoying future vacations as they wish, together or separately, without damaging their relationship.
Situation 2: Romance is Key
A couple has been living together for two years without children and maintains a separate budget. Occasionally, the woman borrows money from her partner but always returns it. The man regularly gives her expensive gifts that she hints at, such as romantic weekends, vacations, and costly jewelry. In return, the woman orders grocery deliveries and cooks delicious dinners for her beloved man. Friends advise them to stop telling everyone about their separate budget and to combine their finances. Their response is, “That would kill the romance.”
Financial Consultant’s Commentary
Liubov Kuzmicheva comments, “It is clear that this woman enjoys receiving gifts, and the man enjoys giving them. The separate budget allows them to fulfill this need and live comfortably.”
She advises, “The only thing I would draw their attention to is not to get completely carried away with romance. Every family, regardless of their budgeting style, should prioritize:”
- Creating an emergency fund by saving at least 10% of each income;
- Mitigating risks associated with health and property loss through affordable insurance;
- Saving even small amounts for retirement;
- Setting aside money for financial goals such as moving, buying a house, children’s education, etc.
If they spend money on gifts and romance after covering these expenses, everything is fine. If not, they should reconsider their financial distribution. This adjustment will not worsen their current life but will create a good foundation for the future and protect them from unpleasant surprises.
Psychologist’s Commentary
Natalia Olifirovich states, “Psychologists, like IT specialists, follow the principle: ‘If it works, don’t touch it.’ Some couples need to maintain certain illusions. Perhaps it is important for them to believe that the woman is self-sufficient, or she enjoys thinking that she inspires the man.”
For more information, you can visit the Nova card website.
