Mikhail Labkovsky: Self-Esteem Starts in Childhood and Lasts a Lifetime
Mikhail Labkovsky: Self-Esteem Starts in Childhood and Lasts a Lifetime
Mikhail Labkovsky, a renowned psychologist based in Moscow with a second degree in psychology from Israel, has gained fame for his bold and sometimes categorical “diagnoses” of modern society in his columns and broadcasts. We asked him to address questions that concern many women.
Group Therapy: Effective or Not?
Mikhail, you frequently conduct open consultations in Russia and will soon host your first event in Belarus. How effective are these meetings for people seeking to resolve personal issues? Many are accustomed to one-on-one sessions with a psychologist, but here they will have to share their problems publicly.
This will not be a lecture but a group therapy session, a public consultation. For two hours, I will answer questions from those who want to hear my opinion on their situations. Not everyone will have the chance to ask questions, but the meeting’s theme will be relevant to all. Therefore, my answers will resonate with everyone present. This format is effective for understanding two things: identifying your problem and learning how to solve it.
Why Women Seek Help More Often
Women are more likely to attend such meetings and personal consultations than men. Why is it easier for women to seek help from psychologists, even though men have just as many problems?
Women are more inclined towards self-education and culture; they have a more flexible psyche. This passion for learning is an additional bonus for life. Men, on the other hand, are burdened by the thought that they must solve their problems alone because they are strong. Seeking help from a psychologist is seen as a sign of weakness. I often compare this to treating your own teeth: if men can’t solve their problems alone, why not treat their own teeth as well? Only then do men agree that sometimes you need to see a doctor.
The fear of asking for help comes only from the mind. The division into male and female, the belief that men must solve their problems alone, and that women are weaker and therefore need a psychologist—these misconceptions only prevent happiness.
The psyche is a part of the body, like teeth, legs, and arms. If any part is not functioning properly, the person suffers, does not enjoy life, and is unhappy, which significantly reduces their quality of life.
Family Therapy: A Challenge
It’s even more challenging to convince a man to agree to family therapy if there are issues that cannot be resolved through heart-to-heart talks. What should be done in such a situation?
If a man refuses both family and personal therapy, the reason is simple: he doesn’t care about the woman’s feelings. When a man is satisfied with everything or is too lazy to work on himself, and the woman suffers, there is no “we” in such a situation. There is only the woman alone with her problems, and she will have to seek help from a psychologist herself. As a rule, therapy reveals that one neurotic married another neurotic.
Any interpersonal conflict is always a projection of a person’s attitude towards themselves and their life. Therefore, if you are concerned about your spouse’s behavior, I always advise starting with personal therapy. Any internal conflicts (low self-esteem, self-rejection, dissatisfaction with oneself) a person naturally projects onto those they live with and believes that the partner is to blame, not themselves.
Building Healthy Self-Esteem
Mikhail, you often emphasize in your speeches that healthy self-esteem is the key to a successful career, good relationships, and overall well-being. How can one develop adequate self-esteem independently and avoid feelings of guilt or resentment?
Self-esteem is formed in early childhood and stays with a person for life. There are, of course, shocks that seemingly affect it: being fired from a job or a spouse leaving. You then feel that your self-esteem has dropped. But in reality, your spouse left because your self-esteem was initially low. It’s better to have slightly inflated self-esteem. How can you self-diagnose this? Do not tolerate what you dislike and do what you want more often.
From the moment you wake up, ask yourself: “What do I want?” For example, right now, while talking to you, I opened the fridge and saw that I only have eggs, bread, and milk for breakfast, but I want something else, like coffee and a croissant with jam. This means I will have to go downstairs and find a nearby café to eat exactly what I want. Do this in everything: constantly ask yourself what you want right now and how you can get it.
Balancing Desires and Social Compromises
That sounds good, but how do we reconcile our desires with living in a society that constantly requires compromises? If I am overweight and want a croissant with jam instead of low-fat cottage cheese, it will not only bring short-term pleasure but also add extra weight that I want to lose.
I believe you should choose what you like, not what is right. It’s not the extra croissant that adds weight, but neurosis. Often, we make compromises that can be avoided. For example, a single mother dreams of being an artist but becomes an engineer because she has two children to feed. She has the mistaken belief that only engineers make good money, although there are many real examples of very successful artists. What should she do?
Always do only what you want. If it’s difficult to immediately quit a job you dislike that brings in good income, you should stay there temporarily while developing your dream of becoming an artist to a more professional level, allowing you to earn as much as you do at your main job.
The Pursuit of Perfection
Recently, various women’s trainings have gained popularity, promising to solve almost any problem without leaving home: just listen to paid lectures and webinars. Can this be a worthy alternative to personal therapy?
People can be divided into two categories: those who are completely satisfied with themselves and those who constantly want to improve themselves. The latter, in my opinion, are more problematic. I believe that people should not strive to be perfect or constantly improve themselves but should be happy and enjoy life as it is, without any external conditions, loving and accepting themselves as they are.
The desire for trainings that promise to help earn a lot of money or get married can solve a specific problem but not bring happiness, as having a million dollars or a spouse does not make a person happy in itself. For more insights, you can visit Mikhail Labkovsky’s official Instagram.
