The Four Relationship Killers: How to Avoid Relationship Doom

Relationships are often seen as a journey of romance and passion, but psychologists emphasize that they require dedication and self-improvement from both partners. This view might seem overly pragmatic, but according to renowned psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman, partners can undermine their relationships in ways that go beyond the mere absence of romantic attraction. Let’s explore four critical issues that can severely damage any relationship, as identified by Gottman’s extensive research.

Criticism: The Silent Killer

Expressing complaints and dissatisfaction with your partner’s behavior is a normal part of daily life. It’s natural to feel upset and want to voice your displeasure, especially when your partner consistently shows up late or fails to keep promises. However, criticism is a different beast altogether. It doesn’t just harm the relationship; it launches a psychological attack on your partner’s character and personality.

For instance, saying, “You’re always late because you don’t care about me,” is a prime example of destructive criticism. This isn’t just a complaint; it’s a remark that highlights and even creates flaws in your partner. Such accusations are painful and can affect the comfort and future of the relationship.

Contempt: The Relationship Destroyer

Contempt, according to Gottman, can be unconscious and manifest in eye-rolling, sarcasm, hostile humor, and name-calling. It is the most destructive of the four horsemen because it stems from a place of disgust towards your partner. When one partner feels contempt, resolving issues can seem impossible.

It’s crucial to be mindful of how you communicate with your loved one, especially if you’re interested in maintaining the relationship and resolving conflicts. Contempt can erode the foundation of love and respect that relationships are built upon.

Defensiveness: The Barrier to Resolution

Defensiveness is a natural psychological response to discomfort, but according to Gottman, it indicates an inability to see one’s own mistakes. Instead of addressing issues, defensive partners tend to justify their actions and shift blame onto the other. This behavior combines defense with criticism and hinders effective reconciliation, often leading to breakups.

To strengthen your relationship, it’s essential to take responsibility for your actions and contributions to problems. However, it’s also important to note that taking on all the blame can border on emotional abuse. Both partners’ opinions and actions are vital for the growth and health of the relationship.

Stonewalling: The Communication Blockade

Stonewalling occurs when a partner refuses to discuss relationship issues or even be physically present. This behavior includes a lack of acknowledgment, engagement, or attention to the partner’s words. It’s like building a metaphorical wall that makes communication impossible.

While stonewalling might be a natural reaction for an upset or angry partner, it’s detrimental to the relationship as a whole. It prevents partners from addressing problems and reconciling. Gottman introduces the concept of “emotional intelligence,” which allows partners to accept each other as they are, leading to more successful and happier relationships.

Building Stronger Relationships

Instead of building walls, criticizing, or blaming your partner during conflicts, try starting your sentences with “I” instead of “you.” This approach helps you recognize your role in the situation and focus on the issue at hand rather than your partner’s flaws. According to Gottman, addressing problems daily through casual conversations is crucial. Reconnecting each evening to discuss the day’s events and how they affected your feelings can help build stronger and healthier relationships.

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