Low Self-Esteem: How to Recognize It and What to Do About It

We should learn to evaluate not ourselves as a whole, but our individual actions and thoughts, says psychologist Ivan Vasilyuk. How can we do this or at least start thinking in the right direction? Read our expert’s column.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Let’s talk about self-esteem. I’m not saying that everyone needs high self-esteem; I mean adequate self-acceptance, nothing more.

Self-esteem can be adequate or inadequate. Inadequate self-esteem can be either low or inflated. That’s the end of the theory. Let’s move on to practice.

What Are You Evaluating?

First, what are you going to evaluate? Yourself, of course, you might say. But by what criteria? Seriously, before talking about low self-esteem, think about how you measured it. In terms of money, kilograms, time spent with family, or the ability to do something? If you are not satisfied with your weight, then talk about the evaluation of your figure, not yourself as a whole.

Identifying Areas for Improvement

Ivan Vasilyuk, Psychologist

Here’s an important point: there is no such thing as self-esteem; there are areas in which we want to succeed. And for this, we need skills or resources. And here is another, no less important point, or rather a question: do you have the resources to achieve this or that? Sometimes, objectively, you don’t: for example, a millionaire father or natural talents, or this resource is simply not available to you. That is, there is no point in worrying if you cannot change jobs in a year because the goal you have chosen requires several years of education.

Similarly, there is no point in self-flagellation because you did not make it to the NBA if your height is 150 cm. There is no resource, and that’s it. You just need to accept the situation. This approach will protect you from both low and inflated self-esteem because it is related to the fact that you always give yourself an account: by what criteria and what I evaluate in myself.

Developing Adequate Self-Esteem

To have adequate self-esteem, you need to know yourself every day. It is better to start by learning not to confuse reality with your negative attitudes. Compare: “To become a great musician, you need talent and years of work” and “I am stupid and silly for this,” etc.

Recognizing Distortions

Here are a couple of ways to recognize distortions:

For example, you consider yourself not very beautiful… But this is just your thought. So, sit down and bring this thought out of the shadows, that is, write it down on paper: “I am not beautiful.” And also, IN WRITING, answer the questions on the principle of: what are the “pros” and “cons” of such a statement, determine the “measures.” And at the end, also in writing, answer the question: “How true is this thought?”.

If you still write that “I am not beautiful,” then start keeping a “diary.” Provide evidence that you are not beautiful (you are sure of this) in your past and present. And it is important to remember what was in those situations when you considered yourself as such.

Perhaps in school, at a concert, a girl took a role that you wanted. And the teacher explained to you that you were not suitable enough for this role, but your “competitor,” for example, had the very hair color and height that were needed. You were probably very sad, and to never experience this again, you decided that you were not beautiful. It was about like that, right?

The Hidden Benefits of Low Self-Esteem

Next, we just need to analyze. Perhaps unflattering reviews about yourself give you the opportunity to lie on the couch and do nothing or not perform (“I’m not beautiful, let the beautiful ones sing and perform”). Think about what benefit low self-esteem gives you? Surprised? Yes. And now make a decision for yourself: either I continue to be “not beautiful, lying on the couch” or…

But sometimes more serious work is required if you still think that your negative attitude is 100% correct. Let’s look for cognitive distortions together? Here are a couple:

Cognitive Distortions

Emotionality. Compare: “I am too stupid for this” or “I lack knowledge in this field.” In the first case, you want to give up, and in the second, you want to learn and develop. Negative attitudes are something that can and should be changed.

“Mind reading” – “Everyone deceives me and considers me not beautiful, and if they say that I am beautiful, then they want something from me.” So, if you can read this thought, it’s better to go into investigation – you “know” what others think.

“Labels.” Here everything is simple: “All men love blondes/figures, etc., and I am not like that.” What can I say… No comments.

“Predicting the future.” Here everything is simple: “I know in advance that no one will love me!”. Well, if you know everything, then buy a lottery ticket. Since you are sure that no one will love you, you will be able to confidently win the jackpot (there is irony here too, I hope you understand).

“Black-and-white thinking” – “If I am not as beautiful as a supermodel, then I am not beautiful.” That is, non-supermodels are unworthy of love and attention from men? Do you really think so?

There are more distortions, but this is the topic of a separate book. The principle is clear.

Changing Negative Attitudes

Now that you are aware of your negative beliefs, can you easily change them? No, that’s why they are called attitudes. But you can work on it. For example, change your behavior. Ask yourself what prevents you from fulfilling this or that attitude? And act in the opposite way. And what if you are not so ugly and can take a photo and post it? Or not so stupid to start learning a language?

Here you can already plan: what can I do with the new self-esteem? What will the new self-esteem give me?

By changing your behavior, you can get new results: new skills, likes on photos, new friends, etc.

Of course, beliefs will change slowly. There will be rollbacks, and it will seem that nothing is working. What to do? Just continue to work on your new self-esteem. You can do it!

One technique is very helpful in this work. Make it a habit to note your achievements every day. Write them in a diary or in notes on your mobile phone, it doesn’t matter. It’s important to just see your progress, and then rollbacks will not be scary for you.

Sometimes it will not be possible to change attitudes completely, so leave them alone. “Yes, I am not very beautiful, but this cannot prevent me from building good relationships,” etc. This is already a good result.

Living Consciously

The main thing is to make it a habit to live consciously and in reality. Evaluate not yourself, but your actions and thoughts. And how to correct them, we have already figured out. Then your self-esteem will always be in harmony with you and the world. And this is the highest evaluation.

Photo from the personal archive of Ivan Vasilyuk