He Really Doesn’t Remember What You Said: A Psychologist Reveals the Secrets of Raising Boys
He Really Doesn’t Remember What You Said: A Psychologist Reveals the Secrets of Raising Boys
The topic of conscious parenting is gaining momentum, with more parents aiming to implement the most effective principles and methods of upbringing. However, the fine line between harmonious parenting and overprotection often blurs. As a result, a child, from whom adults expect the best qualities, may suddenly start showing capriciousness and infantility. This is particularly alarming when it comes to boys. Dmitry Shukanov, a psychologist and educator, explains how to notice changes in your son’s behavior in time, foster his independence, and avoid many parenting mistakes in the future.
About the Expert
Dmitry Shukanov is a pedagogue, psychologist, trainer, and the head of the “Friends” center. He is the author of developmental programs for boys.
The Impact of Overprotection
Excessive care and creating a safe atmosphere that shields a boy from any stress is a common pedagogical mistake many parents make. While the motives and intentions of loving adults are understandable, it’s crucial to remember that organized, dosed, and managed stress is a necessary condition for a boy’s stable development.
Understanding Stress
Stress is a broad concept. It can range from standing up to classmates’ taunts, defending one’s opinion in front of a teacher, protecting a loved one in a conflict situation, to preparing for competitions or cleaning one’s room. If a boy is not prepared for difficulties and not allowed to experience challenging situations, he may grow up to be a refined, spoiled young man. Such individuals often lack the skills of independent decision-making and responsibility, have no experience in positively resolving conflict situations, and generally fear stepping out of their comfort zone.
The Consequences of Overprotection
These are future men who haven’t received their “stress vaccine.” One of the markers to identify a young man who has experienced overprotection from childhood is excessive attachment or, conversely, hatred towards his parents.
Triggers of Overprotection
The main triggers that launch the destructive process of overprotection include:
- Increased anxiety
- Excessive control
- Playing the role of an “organizer”
- Mentor tone
- Excessive maternal love
- Exclusively feminine upbringing
Increased Anxiety
“Something might happen to my son. He will gain experience, and then we will discuss the situation together.” Increased anxiety is something I encounter very often in my practice. Mothers usually think: “Something might happen to my son, so I will protect him.” While it’s natural to worry about your child, it’s necessary to adjust this mindset as follows: “Something might happen to my son. He will gain experience, and then we will discuss the situation together.”
Excessive Control
“What is good for a 5-6-year-old child can harm the psyche and development of a teenager.” Excessive control often stems from increased anxiety. For example, a mother, fearing for her son’s life and health while he’s out until 8 PM, puts him in an awkward position in front of his friends who are allowed to stay out until 9 PM. To overcome the urge for excessive control, parents need to filter their decisions through the lens of their child’s age. What is good for a 5-6-year-old child can harm the psyche and development of a teenager.
The Role of an “Organizer”
“Parents decide what their child should wear, and later, what they should do and be interested in.” This is a “sister” of excessive control that many parents enthusiastically take on. It starts in early childhood: parents decide what their child should wear, where to go, where to play, and later, what to do and be interested in. The “organizer” role automatically turns on when parents limit a child’s exploratory activities: not allowing them to climb, run, jump (what if they trip, fall, get dirty?). If a parent regularly comes up with and plans activities for the child and constantly reminds them of something, the “independence mode” eventually turns off.
Mentor Tone
“The male psyche tends to delete negative moments and emotions from memory.” When parents’ “organizer” role is reinforced by a mentor tone, the boy has little chance of growing into an independent individual. With this parenting style, adults often repeat: “I told you so,” “What did I tell you?”, and then get offended and puzzled: “How come? We’ve talked about this a hundred times, and he doesn’t remember anything!” A mentor tone is a losing strategy when it comes to boys. The thing is, auditory commands don’t work on boys. The male psyche tends to renew and delete negative moments and emotions from memory. A mother might think that her son should have remembered the “command” long ago, but he has already erased everything from his memory and genuinely doesn’t remember what he was told the other day, especially if it was in a commanding tone.
Excessive Maternal Love
“It’s not worth fixating on motherhood.” Loving children is undoubtedly important and vital for them: a child should receive as much maternal love as they need. However, mothers sometimes get overly enthusiastic and fall into extremes. They indulge the child in everything, immersing themselves entirely in the role of a mother. Excessive maternal love leads to “overloved” boys, and unfortunately, this phenomenon is not rare in pedagogical practice. Maternal self-sacrifice is an incorrect strategy in relation to the mother herself.
For more insights on conscious parenting, you can refer to resources like Zero to Three, a renowned organization dedicated to early childhood development.
