How to Support a Friend Who Has Survived Sexual Violence

When a friend confides in you that she has been sexually assaulted, it can be overwhelming. You might feel a range of emotions: anger towards the perpetrator, sadness for your friend, fear for your own safety, and even a sense of pride that she trusts you enough to share this with you. It’s important to understand that there’s no single “right” way to feel in this situation. How you respond during this critical time can significantly impact your friend and your relationship with her. Here are some tips to help you navigate this challenging situation.

Immediate Actions to Take

If the assault happened less than three days ago, it’s crucial to gather evidence if your friend decides to report the crime to the police. Even if she is hesitant or fearful of involving the authorities, it’s essential to preserve the option for her. Evidence can only be collected within a specific timeframe, and it might be too late if she changes her mind later.

Legally, rape is defined as sexual intercourse committed with physical violence or the threat of it. There is also a broader term, “sexual violence,” which includes any sexual acts committed against a person’s will. Both crimes are punishable by up to six years in prison.

Regardless of the legal path, it’s important to seek medical attention. Emergency room staff can conduct a forensic medical examination and collect evidence. To preserve as much evidence as possible, it’s recommended not to shower, eat, brush teeth, or change clothes after the assault. Your friend can also provide any other items that might contain the perpetrator’s DNA, such as bedsheets or glasses. The clothing she was wearing will likely be taken as evidence, so it’s good to have a change of clothes ready.

The doctor can also perform rapid testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and recommend follow-up testing dates. Some STIs can be detected within a month, while others have an incubation period of 4-6 months. Additionally, the doctor can prescribe emergency contraception if there is a risk of pregnancy.

You can also contact a crisis center for support. For example, the “Sisters” crisis center for survivors of sexual violence offers anonymous emergency psychological assistance, in-person consultations with psychologists and lawyers, and necessary medical and legal information. They can also provide an advocate to represent your friend in court. This person can offer emotional support and inform her about her rights and options.

How to Provide Support

These tips are relevant regardless of when the assault occurred:

Listen

When we talk to a friend, we often have a specific agenda or try to find the “right” words to say. However, in this situation, it’s important not to try to fully understand what she’s going through. Instead, be yourself and don’t overthink your responses. Your friend deserves to be heard. It’s okay to sit in silence with her. When she finishes speaking, take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding.

Remind Her It’s Not Her Fault

Avoid asking questions or making statements that could imply blame, such as:

What were you wearing?
What did you do to provoke him?
Were you drunk?
Were you flirting with him?
Why didn’t you resist?
Are you making this up?

None of these questions are appropriate. She did nothing to deserve the assault. The responsibility lies solely with the perpetrator. For example, if someone is robbed, the blame is on the thief, not the victim. While there are ways to reduce the risk of theft, the criminal is always responsible for the crime.

Ask Questions Carefully

Ensure your questions don’t sound judgmental. A good approach is to say, “I’m going to ask a question to understand what happened, not because I think you did something wrong, okay?” Psychologists recommend avoiding questions that start with “why,” as they can come across as accusatory. Try to rephrase your questions.

Respect Her Autonomy

It’s important to consider your friend’s desire to make her own decisions. Even with the best intentions, don’t force her to go to the doctor, the police, or tell her parents. During the assault, she was stripped of her ability to make choices, so allow her to regain control over her life. Instead of pressuring her, inform her about the potential consequences and support her decisions.

Understand That Reactions Can Vary

Everyone copes with trauma differently. Her recovery process might not be linear; she could feel fine one month and struggle the next. It’s important to understand that healing is complex and non-linear.

Help with Safety

While emotional support is crucial, don’t overlook physical safety. Your friend might fear going to school or work alone, feel anxious about taking a taxi, or become afraid of crowded places. If these fears interfere with her daily life, help her adapt. Assist her in getting to her destinations, find a trusted driver, provide her with a flashlight, or help her buy pepper spray.

Utilize Resources

Only if your friend agrees, you can seek help from local crisis centers for survivors of violence. These centers typically offer anonymous and free services, including access to lawyers and psychologists who can assist with reporting the crime, filing a police report, and other legal matters. The best way to find out if she’s open to this is to ask her directly.

Take Care of Yourself

You might also need to learn how to feel safe again and overcome your fears. Supporting a loved one through such a traumatic experience can be emotionally draining. To truly help your friend, you need to be emotionally strong yourself. Don’t hesitate to seek support for your own well-being.

For more information and support, you can contact the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.