What to Do When Your Friend Copies You

Classic American horror movies often feature a heroine who meets a new friend who starts to dress, smell, talk, and behave just like her. By the end, it’s clear that the imitator’s goal is to kill the heroine and steal her perfect life.

The plot isn’t as far-fetched from reality as you might think. In real life, girls often find that their close friends borrow their style or mannerisms. Wearing matching shirts to school might be fun in your teenage years, but as we grow older, most of us strive to emphasize our individuality. If you feel like you’ve become the object of not just admiration but literal copying, it’s time to take action. We’ll tell you how to preserve your uniqueness and not lose your friendship.

Be Honest with Yourself: Are You Copying Her Too?

When two people spend a lot of time together, they unconsciously adopt shared interests, expressions, and even tastes. Our brains even have special “mirror neurons” responsible for imitation, so nature itself has taught us to learn from each other’s experiences.

Before accusing your friend of copying you, take a look at your own behavior: maybe you’re doing something like her too, or your tastes are genuinely very similar.

Decide If You Can Ignore It

If your friend gets the same tattoo or buys a dress you told her about just days ago, it’s not very pleasant, but it’s not a reason to end the friendship.

Try to find the reasons behind her behavior: perhaps she genuinely admires you or is searching for her own style. Creating a unique identity takes effort, which is why most people find it easier to imitate. Usually, people look to more media-savvy individuals for inspiration, but in your case, she has chosen you as her idol, which is a compliment in itself.

New York psychologist Dr. Peggy Drexler advises evaluating whether you’re willing to lose the friendship over your dislike of being copied:

“If you have a friend who loves how you look and is less capable or less confident in her abilities, consider whether you can simply live with it. Weigh how much her copying bothers you against all the good things that she and her friendship bring to you.”

In the age of social media, which many use to create their personal brand, the problem of copying can become more complicated. When your friend posts photos with the same style as yours or steals hashtags you’ve worked hard to create, it’s natural to react negatively.

Try to Subtly Deter Her

Do this gently, without arguments or hysterics. If it’s about purchases, try not to tell her where you bought a particular item.

Pay attention to the details of her image that you don’t have; compliment them. Or, conversely, tell her that the lipstick color or hairstyle she borrowed from you doesn’t suit her. It’s important to emphasize your differences and make her understand that the same things or techniques look different on each of you.

Help Her Develop Her Own Taste

If the problem is that your friend doesn’t have her own style, help her create one. Go shopping together; advise her on what she should change about herself. Tell her how you approach creating your individuality and explain that she can do the same if she wants. Since she respects your taste so much, she will likely listen to your opinion.

Address the Problem Directly

When subtle methods don’t work, it’s time for an open conversation. Try to talk without accusations: they can affect her self-esteem and only worsen the problem of self-identification.

Your friend may deny her imitation out of shame or simply because she genuinely doesn’t notice it. Tell her that even if she’s copying you unconsciously, she should now pay attention to it and avoid such behavior.

Don’t involve outsiders in the conversation, even to prove that everyone notices her imitation. This is a personal matter between the two of you, and she may react aggressively to outside interference.

If the situation with copying your style is serious, don’t copy her irritation, but take steps to resolve the issue. There’s nothing shameful or silly about protecting your individuality, even if you’re not Beyoncé and it’s not about a new hit, but just about identical photo captions on social media.