10 Harmful Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Kids

The way parents communicate with their children from a young age significantly impacts the kind of person they will become—whether they will be strong-willed or weak, confident or insecure. Every parent wants their child to grow up successful, determined, kind, and most importantly, happy, right? At first glance, the phrases we will discuss today may seem harmless. However, they carry a negative subtext that affects a child’s development and perception of the world.

1. “Let me do it, it will be faster” or “Let me do it instead”

The “I can do it myself” phase typically begins when children are around two years old. They want to imitate adults and learn to do what adults can do. Using phrases like these can discourage a child from trying new things and learning.

A child interprets these phrases as: “You are incapable; you can’t do anything.” Parents then wonder why their child is lazy in school. The child isn’t lazy; they have simply learned that they can’t do anything on their own. Consequently, they expect their parents to do everything for them, including their homework.

What should you do instead? For example, if a child wants to put on their socks by themselves, even if it takes a long time and they get frustrated, don’t say, “You’re still too little; let me put on your socks for you.” Instead, say, “Putting on socks can be tricky. If you need help, I’m right here.” This way, the child feels that if they can’t handle a difficult task, their parent is there to help, but also believes in them.

I advise parents not to do anything for their child unless they ask for help.

2. “If you behave like this, I will leave you behind” or “If you don’t stop, someone will take you away”

A child interprets such phrases as: “I don’t need you; I don’t love you like this.” This creates insecurity and a sense of inadequacy in the child. In the future, such children often grow up to be anxious and suspicious. In relationships, they fear abandonment and are unsure if they are loved enough.

Parents often use these phrases to stop a child’s tantrum or disobedience, but in reality, they create more such situations. The child may want to test if the parent truly loves them or if they will indeed leave them. For example, they might scream louder, wondering how the parent will react.

In such situations, it’s better to say to the child: “I love you, but your behavior upsets me.” The less we focus on negative behavior, the quicker it will disappear.

3. “Don’t cry,” “Don’t be afraid, it’s not scary,” or “You found something to whine about”

Such phrases devalue the child’s feelings. They learn to suppress their emotions and fear expressing them, considering any display of feelings as weakness. This can lead to them not understanding their own emotions and desires.

If a child is crying or afraid of something, it’s better to say: “Yes, it hurts / it’s offensive / it’s scary, it happens. Everyone gets scared sometimes, even Dad. But shh, it’s a secret!” Show the child that experiencing different emotions is normal. Life involves both positive and negative emotions. Don’t make the child suppress their emotions, as this can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.

4. “I have sacrificed everything for you” or “I have given up my life for you; we work so you can have everything”

A child interprets these phrases as: “I have ruined my parents’ lives; it would be better if I weren’t here.” This creates a strong sense of guilt that many carry throughout their lives. Sometimes, in such cases, the child continues to live for their parents, repaying the “debt” and forgetting about their own life. Other times, they run away as far as possible to escape the guilt imposed on them by their parents.

All we need to teach our children is to be happy. Don’t sacrifice yourself; be happy, and your child will follow your example. If you don’t give them your entire life, you won’t be disappointed later that they don’t live as you wish.

5. “You are such a brat!” or “You are such a naughty child!”

A child, especially a younger preschooler, takes everything you say as the truth. If Mom says I’m messy, then I must be. If Mom says I’m stubborn, how can I doubt it?

This leads to the child unconsciously conforming to what you say about them and starting to act accordingly. Don’t label your child, and they will change for the better!

Try saying what you see: “Your shirt is dirty; put it in the washing machine.” Instead of “You are such a naughty child,” say, “I know you are responsible; you can definitely turn off the cartoons and go to bed.”

Labels given to us in childhood often create the belief that we can’t be any different, that it’s not up to us, that we were born this way. And some people live their entire lives feeling like “weaklings,” “crybabies,” “egoists,” “slobs”—just as their parents called them in childhood.

6. “You’re still dawdling, but Pasha has already dressed himself”

Don’t compare your child to other children. It seems simple, but few notice that they use comparisons in conversation, for example: “Masha ate all her porridge; she’s such a smart girl.” This is also a hidden comparison. The child hears: “But you’re not smart; you’re worse than Masha. I don’t love you as much; you’re not as wonderful as she is.”

Besides causing tantrums, hidden resentment, or hatred towards Masha, you won’t achieve anything with this. It doesn’t motivate; on the contrary, it kills the desire to do anything.

You can use comparisons in conversation with a child only when talking about their own achievements, for example: “Today you drew a circle more evenly than last time,” “Wow, now you can jump 10 times in a row, but last week you could only do 5.” This way, the child understands that they can improve. But don’t overdo it and don’t remind them of failures!

7. “You are such a good boy/girl”

It may seem that there’s nothing wrong with this phrase, but it’s better not to say it this way. Of course, children should be praised! It’s essential to encourage any behavior we like and want to reinforce! But this should not be done casually: “Yeah, you’re a good boy!” Why not?

Firstly, this is an evaluation of the child! But we don’t evaluate the child. We simply love them for who they are. Children become dependent on the word “good” and get very upset if they don’t hear the coveted approval from their parents.

How should you praise? Describe the good things the child has done. For example: “Oh, my son, you’ve already put away all the toys, collected the constructor in the box, and put the cars in the garage! How nice! I’m so glad you helped me; thank you! Now we can read a book together before bed.”

8. “Who do you think you are to talk to me like that?!,” “You are nobody as long as you live in my house; you will do as I say,” or “Because I said so”

A child interprets this as: “I am nobody; everyone can ignore me; I shouldn’t have my own opinion.” Such phrases can destroy a child’s self-esteem, their desire to live with you, and sometimes even their desire to live at all (which is very scary!).

Think about it: what will you achieve? Most likely, the child will grow up to be uninitiative, insecure, and afraid to say “no.” Or, at the first opportunity, they will want to move away from you as far as possible. Remember, your task is not to constantly teach the child what and how to do, but to teach them to live without you in the future while maintaining warm relationships, mutual respect, and love.

9. “Don’t climb,” “Don’t touch”

Such phrases can limit a child’s curiosity and desire to explore the world. Instead of saying “Don’t climb,” explain the potential danger: “Be careful, that’s high; you might fall and get hurt.” Instead of “Don’t touch,” say, “Let’s look at it together, but be gentle.”

10. “Stop crying, or I’ll give you a reason to cry”

This phrase can make a child suppress their emotions and fears. It teaches them that expressing feelings is wrong and can lead to punishment. Instead, acknowledge their feelings: “I see you’re upset. It’s okay to cry when you’re sad. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”