The Harmful Effects of Toxic Care: Why Saying ‘Cheer Up, Everything Will Be Fine’ Can Do More Harm Than Good
The Harmful Effects of Toxic Care: Why Saying ‘Cheer Up, Everything Will Be Fine’ Can Do More Harm Than Good
It’s a common belief that the desire to help others is always driven by good intentions and results in positive outcomes. However, our attempts to ‘do good’ can sometimes not only fail to help but also cause harm. Tatiana Shorokhova, a clinical psychologist, coach, and energy practitioner, explains the concept of toxic care and how to provide care in a gentle and supportive manner.
Understanding Care
Let’s begin by defining what care means. According to the dictionary, care is a thought or activity aimed at the well-being of someone or something. In psychology, there is also the concept of self-care. However, we will focus on external care and the criteria by which a person decides that someone needs care.
Why Some People Struggle to Ask for Care
People have different ways of asking for care. The ideal scenario is direct communication, where a person verbally expresses their need for care and specifies how best to provide it, such as through hugs, supportive words, or an invitation for tea. In other words, the person directly communicates, “Be a supportive parental figure for me right now, providing warmth and acceptance, if you can,” and accepts it if their request is declined, continuing to seek support elsewhere.
However, some people may not realize they need care, even in critical or crisis situations. Others may not know how or refuse to ask for care for various reasons. Perhaps their past experiences did not include expressions of care, or their experiences with care were more traumatic than beneficial, leaving them with painful memories.
The Destructive Nature of Toxic Care
Destructive care often originates in childhood, when a child forms an emotional bond with their mother. While not receiving care as an adult may not have critical consequences, a child’s life depends on the care they receive from adults. Negative experiences in childhood can shape a person’s relationship with care, affecting their ability to accept help and support throughout their life.
Toxic care is characterized by unsolicited support based on personal assumptions rather than the actual needs of the person. In this context, the saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” can be extremely destructive. Toxic care can also manifest as aggression or manipulation, with the underlying message being, “Be quiet, I know what’s best for you and how to help you.”
Toxic care can suppress a person’s emotions and invalidate their feelings. It may sound like, “Cheer up, this too shall pass. As it was written on King Solomon’s ring, everything passes. Stop wallowing in self-pity.”
The Importance of Allowing Struggles
There is a metaphor that resonates with me: to rise to the surface, a person must first sink to the bottom, push off with their feet, and begin to ascend. The challenges we face in life are opportunities for growth and strengthening our psyche. This process of development through trials and challenges is inevitable and can occur through both positive and negative experiences.
A person sinking to the bottom of a river has just enough air in their lungs to dive, push off from the bottom, and resurface. If someone in a boat sees this process and tries to save the person by grabbing their arms or legs, the person may run out of air and drown without ever reaching the bottom. In psychological terms, this means the person does not experience the growth and maturation that comes from facing and overcoming challenges. Instead, they may become exhausted, avoid struggles, constantly seek external rescue, or have to revisit the same challenges repeatedly.
Toxic care prevents a person from experiencing and processing their grief. It robs them of the opportunity to face and accept their pain, which is essential for growth and healing.
Providing Genuine Care
Recently, I witnessed a situation in a psychotherapy group where a mother of a special needs child expressed her acceptance of her child, despite their differences. She was clearly in pain and crying. The group, in an attempt to comfort her, began explaining that her child was normal, essentially shielding her from reality.
However, to move forward and process a psychologically traumatic situation, a person must see it for what it is, without rose-colored glasses. They must face the current reality, experience the pain, and grieve for what will never be.
Genuine care from a healthy person involves sharing the traumatic situation and grief with the person in pain, being present with them without self-destruction. This can be expressed verbally: “I see you and your pain, and I can be here with you in this pain. I won’t try to convince you to fight it or ignore it.”
This approach gives the person the strength to move forward. For example, a woman trying to maintain a destructive marriage with a passive-aggressive or alcoholic husband may exhaust herself trying to save him and avoid disappointment. This bond persists, causing pain to both parties. Disappointment, in this case, can provide the strength needed to change the situation and move forward.
How to Provide Care Gently
Care for others should be based on their preferences and needs. Simply ask the person, “What would you like and how? How do you envision care for yourself right now? What can I give you? How can I support you?” These questions encourage the person to reflect inward and consider their needs.
In situations where a person does not recognize their need for care, observe their physical state. Signs of depression or sub-depression may include not eating or drinking, staring blankly, and seeing only pain and suffering. In such cases, find a private space and ask if they need help. Respect their right to decline, but if you are close to the person, you can also ask their loved ones about their condition and how to help.
In a crisis situation, tactile interaction can help bring the person out of their critical state. For example, handing them a cup of hot tea can distract them with physical sensations. At this moment, gently ask, “Can I support you in any way right now? How can I be helpful to you? Should we contact your relatives and take some action?”
If the person declines your offer, step back but leave the door open for future support. These situations are rare, and more often, I encounter dysfunctional care expressed through manipulation.
Unlike other mammals, humans have the unique ability to communicate verbally. Therefore, we can always ask someone directly about their needs and preferences.
