7 Crucial ‘DON’Ts’ During a Conflict: A Guide to Effective Conflict Management

Can we avoid conflicts in business or personal relationships?

“No!” says Anna Solovey, a psychologist at the Minsk City Clinical Center for Psychiatry and Psychotherapy. Conflicts are inevitable, but to avoid the painful consequences of damaged reputations or relationships, we must learn to manage them effectively.

“Your foolishness amazes me” vs “You made a mistake”: Understanding Different Types of Conflicts

Business Conflicts

Business conflicts arise from differing attitudes towards objects, individuals, or behaviors. They are always specific: “I don’t want you to… smoke in the room, meet with that person, play the stereo too loudly, scatter your belongings, etc.”

In a professional setting, a business conflict might start like this: “You must follow safety regulations; otherwise, an accident might occur, and you could be the victim or the cause.” “You must adhere to labor discipline.” All business-related conflicts revolve around obligations and the necessity to follow certain rules of professional conduct.

Personal Conflicts

Personal conflicts are less specific, with grievances directed at the partner’s personality rather than particular behaviors. For example, in marital conflicts: “I’m tired of your nagging. You’re so disorganized. You always lie to me. You’re a very rude person.”

In a professional setting, the initiator of the conflict might also make generalized assessments of the other person’s character: “You are a completely lazy person.” “Your foolishness amazes me.” “You are too talkative to do anything serious and useful.” As we can see, these complaints target the person as a whole, with personal grievances implying “You are not good.”

Business conflicts are much easier to resolve. The same cannot be said for personal conflicts, which often demand that a person change their character, temperament, or even needs.

Behind behavioral habits, there is often a deep, stable foundation. While it is possible to partially adjust tastes, attachments, and habits, it is impossible to change the basic needs of a person or their temperament. In stressful, conflict situations, natural personality traits will inevitably manifest. However, this does not mean that a person, once formed, cannot change and improve.

Can we avoid conflicts in business or personal relationships? “No!” any professional psychologist would answer. Conflicts, as an extreme form of resolving contradictions, are inevitable, but they can be managed within certain limits.

To do this, we need to learn to distinguish between forms of behavior in a conflict and the corresponding outcomes. It is also useful to know the basic rules or ethics of behavior in a conflict. Behavior in a conflict is diverse. But what rules should be followed to soften the conflict or make it constructive?

Rule #1: DON’T Get Angry at the Initiator of the Conflict

The first rule of behavior in a conflict is to have a fair, unbiased attitude towards the initiator. Any interpersonal conflict begins when someone in a pair or group is dissatisfied—this is the initiator of the conflict. They make demands, complaints, and grievances, expecting the other person to listen and change their behavior.

How does a person usually react to the initiator of the conflict? Extremely negatively. They accuse them of “being dissatisfied again, starting a quarrel over trifles,” “always wanting more,” “never being satisfied.” The role of the accused is always unpleasant, so naturally, every normal person tries to avoid it or “prepares to resist the initiator.”

Remember that the initiator of the conflict, with rare exceptions (such as a capricious, quarrelsome person), always has personal reasons for “starting a quarrel.” Typically, their dissatisfaction and complaints are based on a significant cause or personal interest—a situation that bothers, distresses, or causes inconvenience.

Thus, to prevent the conflict from going “off track” from the very beginning, it is necessary to treat the initiator of the confrontation fairly and patiently: do not condemn, dismiss, or scold them immediately, but listen attentively and as benevolently as possible.

Rule #2: DON’T Dredge Up the Past

The second rule of behavior in a conflict is to identify the subject of the conflict and not expand it. The subject refers to the cause of the partner’s dissatisfaction: what specifically bothers them, what they dislike about the other’s behavior? Both the initiator of the conflict and the other party should adhere to this rule, i.e., clearly and distinctly formulate, first of all for themselves, what they dislike and irritates them about the other. Then, fully and understandably explain the reason for their grievances.

Often, people in conflict do not know how to follow this rule. Vague irritation is weakly realized and manifests as a spoiled mood. In this case, the partners get bogged down in non-specific accusations, nitpicking, jabs, and even insults, through which the “accused” does not see the essence of the quarrel.

Thus, the second rule of behavior in a conflict, “clarifying the subject of the conflict and not increasing the number of subjects,” should include “reducing the number of grievances at once.” The danger of increasing the number of grievances is that the accused gets the impression of absolute guilt in everything that happens with the initiator of the conflict.

Another consequence of increasing the number of grievances may be the increased irritation of the accused, who does not know how to “please the initiator,” and whether it is necessary to do so if “everything is so bad”?! For example, the conflict started because of a loud phone conversation, then moved on to another topic, remembering a report not submitted on time, the “idleness” of the accused, etc. And further, the initiator said everything that had accumulated in their soul, and the accused, driven to extremes, also “did not remain in debt,” and spoke everything directly “regardless of persons.”

With the second rule of behavior in a conflict is connected the psychological trait of some personalities, often not conflict-prone by nature, to restrain themselves and avoid conflict. Sooner or later, the mentally accumulated minor grievances form a “snowball” that is already difficult to stop. The presented case will reveal so many grievances and unsaid things that it will be simply impossible to cope with the conflict. That is why the outcome of the conflict of the type “smoothing” and especially “avoidance” is not recommended.

Rule #3: DON’T Sweep Issues Under the Rug

If the conflict is “hushed up,” both the initiator and the accused may harbor resentments due to unresolved contradictions. Various mental associations, gradually accumulating and intertwining with details of other confrontations and unsaid things, even with other people, will lead to a generalization of the subject of the conflict and, most importantly, an increase in the emotional involvement of the accused and the initiator.

Here, the participants—partners in the conflict—face another danger: making a hasty conclusion about the appropriateness of these relationships in general.

Often, non-conflict-prone people make this mistake—they restrain themselves and avoid conflict.

Rule #4: DON’T Rush to Conclusions

For example, young spouses often talk about “marriage and divorce” as something ordinary and habitual. The prevailing ease of talk about divorce among young spouses is not as harmless as it seems. Initially in half-jest, but then seriously, accumulated grievances and unsaid things lead to hasty conclusions and decisions.

It is well known from various fields of practical activity that…