Child Tantrums in Public? Expert Psychologist Shares Top Tips for Parents

Psychologist Olga Pavlova offers practical advice to parents on how to prevent tantrums and meltdowns in public places.

Introduction

As a mobile and somewhat lazy mom, I dislike having to discipline my child in public. I don’t enjoy losing time due to tantrums and meltdowns. I also dislike it when children scream and distract me from important tasks. Therefore, I take precautions and explain to my kids where we are going, why, what we want, what is allowed, and what is not.

Preventing Tantrums: A Sign of Love

There’s another reason: I love my children dearly. The thought of someone else scolding them is unbearable to me. I believe children sense my care and reciprocate with good behavior in public. Moreover, I think that worse than a whining and screaming child in a place where everyone is trying to concentrate, are screaming parents who hate their child, or indifferent parents who shift responsibility onto others.

Parental Responsibility

Whether we like it or not, parents are responsible for their children’s behavior until they turn 18. So, how can parents demonstrate responsibility for their children’s public behavior, aside from yelling and spanking (which, by the way, are more irritating than the children’s tantrums)?

Understanding the Causes

It’s clear that children can be more or less capricious at times. There can be physiological reasons for tantrums: temperament, stuffiness, cold and thirst, as well as fear and fatigue. Public tantrums can also stem from family-wide issues, problems in the parent-child relationship, or the child’s need for attention.

General Rules to Prevent Tantrums

Let’s consider a typical child and loving parents who often simply don’t know how to prevent or stop a stream of tantrums without disrupting the child’s fragile world and damaging the relationship. How can we prevent tantrums and meltdowns? First, communicate with your child from the age of 1-2 years! And then follow these steps:

Set Limits: It’s easier to prevent tantrums. The child should know the words “no” and “can’t” and hear them at home. Try to say “no” or “stop” rarely but firmly. The tone should be unambiguous, decisive, calm, clear, and never fawning.
Make Eye Contact: Look strictly into the child’s eyes. Take his hand until he stops trying to misbehave. Don’t change your decision later. Explain why not. Distract him from tantrums with questions like “where is the bird?”, praise, hugs, a song, or moving from place to place.
Warn: Explain to the child in advance where you are going, what will happen there, why, and ask how he thinks he should behave to prevent tantrums and meltdowns.
Orient: In advance, politely but firmly require a certain behavior from the child (walking next to you in the store, playing with toys at a party, holding your hand at the station).
Encourage Thinking: Explain the negative consequences if the child does not listen. Try to do this by asking questions: Do you agree with me? Do you think this will be good? What if this were you, your toys?
Praise: Praise in advance for good behavior and tell what good will come if he behaves as you ask. After the event, praise the child again for the good he did.
Teach: Play the game “good – bad”, “useful – harmful” with the child. Describe good behavior in a positive-emotional way, accompanying the child’s correct answers with phrases like “Exactly!”, “Wow, you’re great, you know that!”, “Super!” and the like.

Going to Visit

When going to visit, determine your goal and tell the child about it. New impressions? Rest? Chat with girlfriends? See relatives? Don’t be shy to tell the child that you are going to rest and talk. He will also be able to rest and eat something tasty, as well as play.

Prepare in Advance: There are hosts in the guests – adults and children. To take something, you need to ask. Play out situations: if you want to take a cake, then… If you want to take a car, then… If you want to take a constructor… etc. Explain how to behave if a toy (thing) is not given. Explain what it means to behave politely: greet, smile, share.
Play “Visiting” at Home: Play “visiting” at home with dolls and teddy bears, let the child teach the bear what is good and what is not. From one and a half years, teach not to take food from a common plate with your hand or your fork, teach to wait until everyone starts eating. Explain what a “portion” is and why you can’t eat ice cream from two cups.
Teach Table Manners: Don’t teach the child to eat from your plate and don’t finish his food. Explain who the birthday person is and why you can’t take other people’s toys and gifts with you. Explain to the birthday child every year that his job is to thank the guests for all the gifts, to give everyone attention, to play with everyone. Warn the guest several times in advance that the main person is the birthday person, he has all the honors and glory, all the gifts and attention, because everyone is glad that he was born. Remind him that he will also be a birthday person, dream about how you will celebrate.
Keep Them Occupied: Buy new or get several forgotten toys so that your child has something to do if the game doesn’t work out. Take a change of clothes – for different temperatures, games.
Discuss Potential Risks: Discuss in advance what children will be there and the risk zones. Protect the little ones, give them everything, if something – run to mom and dad with the question: well, we have a problem, how to solve it?
Prepare for Supervision: If you need to watch the younger ones, also warn the child in advance, thank him for his help. Show the child the location area, tell him what to do if he wants to go to the toilet or drink. In any case, teach him to play alone, even when there are many people around.
Bring Various Toys: If you are going where there are no other children. Take more toys of different kinds: coloring books, stickers, cars, dishes. Buy something new in advance or literally on the way. Teach the child not to interrupt adults, but to come and stand nearby for a while if he wants to ask or do something.
Teach Respect for Adult Conversations: From about 4 years old, explain that adults have their own conversations and it’s not okay to just come and sit and listen – you need to ask permission. Be patient and polite with the child, sit down with him to listen. Remind him how he likes to play with friends, and you don’t interfere with him. Include him in the conversation. If you plan to demonstrate his achievements – warn the child, rehearse a poem or song.

Going to the Store or Cafe

Prevent problems. It’s better not to take children if you can’t buy them anything. If you can, agree on the item or approximate amount in advance. Do not break the promise either in plus or in minus. Treat the trip as a common task, give the child his tasks. Check how the child is dressed (in winter, remove the jacket, scarf and hat, in summer, put on a sweater). Check if he is fed and watered. Understand: the child has the right to want.

Explain Proper Behavior: Explain that you shouldn’t scream or speak loudly – ask if he would like it if everyone screamed. In extreme cases, scream in his ear yourself (bark, meow). This will surprise him and distract him. If necessary, say directly, looking into the child’s eyes and holding his hand: “You are behaving badly. Stop.” But don’t intimidate, don’t threaten with physical punishment. Say what to do, not what not to do. Instead of “don’t fidget” – “sit straight”, instead of “don’t spill” – “drink slowly”, instead of “don’t run away” – “walk next to me” or “stand”, instead of “don’t pull me” – “count the cars”, instead of “don’t yell” – “be quiet”, etc.
Engage in Conversation: Explain what you are buying and why.
Teach Shopping Skills: Teach them to push the cart without bumping into others or the goods, to choose products, to mark in the list, to learn what to buy.
Praise: Praise the child for calmly waiting while you choose everything.

For more insights on child psychology, visit American Psychological Association.