Enjoying Life Without the Guilt: A Mom’s Journey to Balance
Enjoying Life Without the Guilt: A Mom’s Journey to Balance
What kind of mother does one aspire to be for the best child in the world? Undoubtedly, an ideal one. But what does an ideal mother look like? Every mother has a mental checklist of duties towards her little one. Even if this list isn’t very clear or detailed, we still find reasons to feel inadequate as mothers to our wonderful children.
Our columnist and mother of two, Anna Rodionova, shares her observations on the stages many women go through before finding their balance. This journey is often fraught with guilt, resentment, and the phrase “I’m tired of the child.”
The Illusion of the Perfect Mother
Images on Instagram, social advertisements, and posters in prenatal clinics often paint a picture of what a mother should be like immediately after giving birth. Even before the baby arrives and before getting to know their temperament and other characteristics, a mother might already envision their happy life together.
A life where she knows everything about developmental activities, is seriously into finger gymnastics and baby swimming, and during the baby’s daytime nap, she manages to do the laundry, cook, put on her high heels, and even stop a pink unicorn in its tracks. Meanwhile, the baby is eating, sleeping sweetly, and smiling broadly.
If this isn’t happening, it means she hasn’t done enough, hasn’t tried hard enough, and simply doesn’t deserve the proud title of a good mother. The problem is that this “not doing enough” will always be there. Many mothers inevitably go through similar stages and eventually transform from a round-the-clock entertainer into a woman passionate about her own life.
Stage One: The Omnipotent Mother or “I Can Do It All”
At the beginning of the parenting journey, it often seems that caring for the child is the mother’s exclusive and honorable duty. Even if a walk can be delegated to someone close, the mother switches to “I can do it all” mode for everything else.
She wants to carry the baby in her arms, develop them from birth, sing songs, and recite rhymes non-stop. It seems that for the first few months, the whole world revolves around the new person. At this stage, we refuse help, perceiving it as a lifeline (which we don’t consider ourselves to need), reject the idea of delegating, and believe that our own strength and resources are enough for everything.
This stage is dangerous because it can lead to emotional burnout. Sleep deprivation, a sudden change in lifestyle, and the inability to drink morning coffee alone certainly do not add to the desire to live. The second stage is not far off.
Stage Two: “Why Is Everything on Me?”
Here, feelings and emotions are no longer so unambiguous. The path from total parental euphoria to the feeling of a suffocating leash and back is traversed by the mother many times a day. Simultaneously, there is a sharp desire to run away, sleep, and not return soon.
This is burnout. And it needs to be gradually overcome. Otherwise, one can rather abruptly move to aggression towards the partner, the child, the cactus on the windowsill, and the not white enough clouds outside the window. And then, on the horizon, there will be a bitter and all-consuming feeling of guilt for avoidance, aggression, and anger. This is a path to nowhere.
First, it would be good to honestly admit to yourself that “everything is on me” because I decided so. The good news is that you can always change your mind and decide differently. And move on to the third stage.
Stage Three: I Am a Mother and I Am a Person
“I am a mother” takes care of the child, builds pyramids, and knows “Moidodyr” by heart. “I am a person” is interested in something other than the child, gets ready for a date with her husband in seven minutes, and clearly remembers the date of a meeting with a friend. Because she has learned well that any help is for the best. You need to take it!
Is there someone who can and wants to look after the child, go for a walk with them, or just read to them before bed? Great. Then today there will be a favorite book, a pleasant shower, or even a visit to a cosmetologist. And tomorrow all this may not be there again.
“I am a person” knows very well how to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. And this enjoyment is not always related to the child. And “I am a person” is not ashamed of this.
At this stage, it becomes clear that a reasonable balance between self-giving and self-restoration is needed. And an imbalance in any direction is not good.
Stage Four: Show, Don’t Tell
Doing morning exercises is useful—do it yourself. You need to eat soup for lunch—eat to your health. Leisure time should not be filled with gadgets alone—leave your phone at home before going for a walk with the child. Politeness is above all—saying “thank you” to the store cashier won’t hurt.
It seems that most mothers sooner or later reach the last stage. For some, this will require several maternity leaves, torn years, and spent nerves. For others, a healthy dose of selfishness will help adapt to the presence of children.
After all, parenting is a truly amazing time when you can become the best version of yourself, get rid of unhealthy habits, learn to sincerely rejoice in the rainbow in the sky, and feel that you are living here and now.
And any restrictions, if they exist, are only temporary. Children will grow up in any case. We will remain with ourselves no matter what. And a mother passionate about life is the best example to follow.
Text: Anna Rodionova, photo from pexels.com
