Where Does Sexual Desire Go? Understanding the Desire for Desire

Each of us has likely wondered at some point how great it would be if our sexual desire never wavered. How wonderful it would be to desire our partner with the same intensity as we did when we first fell in love. How amazing it would be to respond to our partner’s desires with pleasure, joy, and as frequently as both of us want. But when we face the opposite feelings in life, doubts and worries start to creep in: Is everything normal with us? Should we be concerned if our sexual desire decreases or disappears at some point in our lives?

The Myth of Sexual Dysfunction

In sexology, there is a term called “false sexual disorders.” This term refers to perceived issues in people who actually have no sexual deviations. The loss or lack of sexual desire is increasingly becoming one of these false disorders. Interestingly, a person might be perfectly satisfied with their sexual life but still feel like it’s not enough. This is when worry starts to set in: Is it normal to want as much as we do?

The Natural Ebb and Flow of Desire

In reality, both men and women experience periods in their lives when sexual desire decreases to a certain level and then increases again after some time. These fluctuations are normal in sexual relationships. The “desire for desire” will accompany us throughout our adult lives, as it’s impossible to maintain the high level of desire that was present at the beginning of a relationship indefinitely. There are perfectly understandable reasons for this.

Factors Influencing Sexual Desire

Firstly, there’s the type of sexual constitution. This indicator reflects three aspects: the level of sexual desire (how much we want), the level of sexual ability (how much we can), and the level of resistance to adverse environmental influences (what conditions we need to “be able” and “want”). Sexual constitution helps us see and adequately assess our capabilities, such as the frequency of sexual activity and the duration between sexual acts.

Attempts to be “like everyone else,” regardless of one’s sexual constitution, will not lead to anything good. If a person tries to have a more active sex life than what their sexual constitution allows, they risk reducing their own sexual desire. As a result, men might start using additional stimulants, which can lead to psychological issues like weakened erections. Women might experience a decrease in desire, even becoming indifferent to caresses.

The second reason is age and overall physical and mental state. At 20, we might worry about wanting our loved ones every hour instead of every minute. At 50, we might worry about not wanting it as we did at 20. It’s important to remember that there is no universal norm in matters of intimacy. Everything is very individual. Before diagnosing ourselves, we should listen to our own feelings. How do we really feel about the current pace of our sexual life? Why and for whom do we need to strive to match the powerful and unchanging sexual appetite portrayed in advertisements, movies, and books?

The third factor is the relationship with our partner, which also changes over time. On one hand, the relationship becomes stronger, and we trust our partner more and more. On the other hand, as we get closer, we might encounter character traits or habits that are unacceptable to us. If we don’t address these issues, if we don’t talk and come to agreements, resentment, anger, and irritation can build up, which are not the best companions for an intimate life.

Nurturing Your Desire

The changes mentioned above affect the degree of our desire. Moreover, the combination of these three factors gives us that unique and irreplaceable quality that makes no sense to compare with others.

Our desire is like a flower that requires care and watering. Here’s a simple “instruction” for caring for this delicate, beautiful, and desirable plant:

Rely on your type of sexual constitution. Don’t demand more from yourself than what nature has given you.
Allow yourself to be in a period when your desire is reduced. Let your body rest and listen to what it’s telling you: maybe you just need physical rest or to resolve accumulated issues at work. Perhaps you’re worried about an upcoming important event or upset about some failure? If you allow yourself to slow down, you’ll see what’s really happening with you, and it will become clearer how to proceed.
Don’t avoid or fear your feelings. When they accumulate and don’t find an outlet, they can manifest as physical ailments. Talk to your partner, learn to trust yourself and them. Allow yourself to be imperfect.
Increase your emotional and physical receptivity. Remember how much pleasure you can get from simple touches, warm words, pleasant smells, and sounds.

Try it, and you’ll see that in these small details lies a true ocean of warmth, pleasure, gratitude, and admiration—everything that our desire needs so much.