33 and Never Been Kissed: Embracing Solitude in a Coupled World

Understanding Loneliness and the Fear of Being Alone

Why is loneliness so feared in modern society? Why is being single often seen as a stigma? Instead of embracing life’s natural ebb and flow, we often delve into self-doubt, questioning why love seems to elude us. Many women jump from one relationship to another, driven by the fear of facing the vast emptiness of solitude. However, the key to loving someone else lies in learning to love yourself first. Only by overcoming the fear of being alone can you accept it as a natural state of being.

This doesn’t mean you should isolate yourself to prove self-sufficiency, but repeatedly falling into the same trap after each failed relationship is both painful and unwise. Once you find comfort in your own company, the fear of loss and ending up with nothing will vanish. You’ll realize that life can be fulfilling in various ways.

Ksenia’s Story: 33 and Never Been Kissed

In support of those struggling with loneliness, I want to share the story of Ksenia, a 33-year-old woman from Nizhny Novgorod who has never experienced romantic relationships.

Ksenia, 33, Nizhny Novgorod

My parents told me I couldn’t date until I turned 16. This wasn’t a big deal since I didn’t have many opportunities to interact with boys. I grew up in a small, conservative town and was homeschooled.

When I turned 16, my mom suggested waiting until I went to university, where I’d meet more interesting and mature guys. So, I waited patiently.

I attended a conservative Christian college, which was a good life experience. I became more well-rounded and found interesting hobbies, like joining a ‘Star Wars’ fan club where I was a lightsaber fighting champion for two years. But in my final year, I realized all my friends were engaged, while I had never even been on a date. It suddenly dawned on me that this might never happen for me.

Ten years later, I’ve come to accept that I was right. Today, at 33, I’ve never been kissed. In college, I met guys I liked, even almost asked one out. They’re all good friends now, but it was clear they only saw me as a friend. They all ended up marrying other women. After college, finding a man to date became even harder. I worked at a company that was 90% women, so meeting someone at work was impossible. The men I saw at church, like those I knew from school, were already married.

I’ve had three romances, all virtual and none with happy endings. The last one started on Twitter and lasted three years. We still talk; he’s a good person, but I realized he didn’t feel the same way about me. When we met in person, the most he could offer was a hug. It was heartbreaking.

The Illusion of Dating Services

Dating services like Tinder promote the idea that there’s someone perfect for you, just waiting to be found. While this can be comforting, it can also be discouraging. I started to think there was something wrong with me.

I’ve learned to smile and nod thoughtfully when conversations turn to relationships, hoping the topic changes soon. But when I share my real experiences, people often feel uncomfortable. Some of my friends, who have been in relationships since college, don’t understand my situation. They’ve never had to face true loneliness.

The Longing for Human Connection

I don’t know what it’s like to be touched by someone who is attracted to me. I’m not talking about sex, but about affection and sympathy. Simple things like someone saying ‘Have a good day’ or giving me a hug after a long day at work. I live without even the simplest human contact. These small things can become significant issues.

But I’ve learned I’m not alone. Since sharing my story, I’ve received about sixty messages from women and some men who, like me, struggle with loneliness. Relationships just don’t seem to work for them.

The Stigma of Being Alone

Women without physical contact experience often feel ashamed to talk about it after a certain age. It’s as if being ‘abandoned,’ ‘broken,’ or ‘unlovable’ is a stigma. These words can deeply affect one’s self-esteem.

People in happy relationships often give me advice:

‘You need to lose some weight.’
‘There must be guys interested in you; you just don’t notice them!’
‘You just don’t want to do what doesn’t interest you.’
‘You need to be more confident.’
‘You need to work on finding a man.’

But I don’t want to ‘work’ on finding love. At 33, I’ve come to accept my solitude peacefully. If it happens, great, but I won’t spend my days searching for just anyone. I have other aspects of life to enjoy.

Embracing Solitude

What bothers me most is when people who don’t know what it’s like to be alone try to label me or categorize me as if I’ve done something wrong. That’s not my story.

Of course, I’d like to change my situation, but not at any cost. I don’t want to find a man just to have someone. I want it to mean something. And I won’t change myself for that.

For further reading on embracing solitude, you can visit this article.