The Vital Importance of Checking In on Your Loved Ones

As we approach the holiday season, it’s crucial to remember that this time of year can be challenging for many. The combination of stress, loneliness, and the ongoing global pandemic can make the festive period more difficult than usual. While we can’t eliminate life’s stressors or open borders, we can support each other by consistently checking in on our loved ones, neighbors, and colleagues.

Checking In: More Than Just a Distress Signal

Checking in on someone isn’t just about catching them when they’re struggling. It’s about establishing a regular habit of enquiring about their wellbeing, which enables you to set up proactive and preventative measures. Once this behavior becomes normalized, it can spread throughout your social network, helping you pick up on signs of struggle early on.

There’s no set rule on how often you should check in. Trust your gut and consider the unique dynamics of each relationship. You don’t want to be perceived as overbearing, but you also don’t want to miss crucial shifts and changes in someone’s life.

Reading the Relationship

Every relationship has its unique dynamics, and it’s essential to be aware of potential barriers that might prevent someone from engaging in a genuine and meaningful conversation with you. These barriers can include hierarchy, distance, age, or the frequency of your interactions.

Remember, you don’t need an invitation to check in on someone’s wellbeing, but you should be mindful of the impact your enquiry might have. Think carefully about when and how you check in. If the person doesn’t want to engage in the conversation, be respectful and don’t push it. That doesn’t mean you can’t check in again in the future.

Preparing for the Conversation

To make the most of the conversation, ensure you’re in the right frame of mind to be present and calm. Listening to someone’s distress can be challenging, so ask yourself if you have the capacity to be an effective supporter. Avoid starting a conversation with someone vulnerable only to shut it down because you’ve run out of time, are distracted, or feel overwhelmed.

If you’ve noticed someone struggling, spend time gathering your observations. It’s helpful if you can raise specific changes you’ve noticed in their behavior or demeanor.

Knowing Your Role

As a supporter, your role is to provide the opportunity and space for someone to discuss their wellbeing. Transition into a listener: validate their feelings, avoid judgment, and ask how you can help. Remember the mantra: “Big ears, small lips.” It’s essential to understand that you don’t have to fix problems. In fact, moving into fix-it mode can sometimes be distressing for the other person if they aren’t ready to problem-solve.

If someone is in significant distress, your role is to facilitate access to professional help. A good rule of thumb is: You should never go to bed worrying if someone is safe or not. Leave that concern with the professionals.

Using a Framework

It can feel daunting to ask someone about their wellbeing. Common concerns include freezing up, not knowing what to say, making things worse, or the other person getting angry. Having a structure in mind can help alleviate some of these worries. Here’s a helpful framework:

State the purpose of your check-in: “I know the holiday period can be a tough time for you. I care about you and have been thinking about how you’re doing.”
Comment authentically and gently on any changes you’ve noticed: “I’ve noticed you don’t seem to be picking up many of my calls, and we’ve missed you at the last two book clubs.”
Use a wellbeing scale: This can help override the automatic response of “I’m fine.” Try asking, “On a scale of one to ten, how have you been feeling in the last week?”

There will be times when people can’t communicate how they’re doing or what they need. That’s okay. You’ve planted a seed so that when they do need support, they’ll know you’re someone they can reach out to.

For more information on mental health and wellbeing, consider consulting resources from reputable organizations like the National Institute of Mental Health.