Unraveling the Roots of Jealousy and Envy: A Psychological Perspective
Jealousy, envy, and anger: A toxic mix we often attribute to others, not ourselves.
This potent cocktail, brewed in the evening or during a morning news scan, can knock us off balance for a long time. The key to dealing with it lies in the very definition of the state: “I lost myself when I found out that…” The answer is to return to yourself. However, this is easier said than done.
What lies beneath the feelings of jealousy and envy?
A mix of pain and anger from violated boundaries and shattered illusions, a sense of danger, fear of losing something important, and losing confidence in things we thought were unshakable. Envy and jealousy reflect our need for validation of our own significance and our need for power.
Unwilling to admit our excessive expectations
We often fail to acknowledge our jealousy and envy. Instead, we choose to devalue our competitors, finding faults in them, and prefer to tighten control over those we imagine we own. The most painful scenario is when our entire identity is tied to another person, our relationships, success, work, or friend, and nothing else.
We forget that everything changes
At some point, we believe we have an absolute, 100% guaranteed right to something that once brought us love, respect, and acceptance without any additional effort. This could be friends, loved ones, children, partners, colleagues, bosses, relatives, public opinion, or the admiration of a noble audience. We forget that everything changes.
Angeline’s story
Angeline, a creative company manager, describes her state: “Everything was perfect just a moment ago. We were showered with rose petals, and we literally felt the coveted significance and exclusivity… Then someone suddenly overtakes us. Among the rose petals, we notice a couple of thorns. We see that a cunning admirer has turned his attention to someone else. Or a competitor has copied our success, made it worse, but earned more. How? Why? Resentment, indignation, anger, depending on the circumstances, gnaw at us, suffocate us, provoke us, drive us crazy.”
Internal and external dialogues
Internal or external dialogues, depending on the circumstances, do not bring relief. Claims, demands, accusatory monologues, and checks take a lot of time and effort, creating conflicts, defense lines, and real reasons for resentment on both sides.
Knock-knock! Who’s there? It’s your shadow!
The source of these dramatic emotions is usually our shadow, our subconscious, deeply buried beliefs that we cannot admit to ourselves.
The “Crown of the Illegitimate Prince” shadow
Its essence is the belief that only exceptional, special people can be loved and happy, simply by birthright. And if it is given once, it is forever. There are very few such people. If you are not one of them, be afraid, fight, prove yourself, create an appearance. The feeling of being exceptional allows you to relax temporarily.
The “Ambitious Crown” shadow
Behind it is the devaluation of the self: people are not born happy; happiness must be earned. Never stop, set new goals, get new confirmations that you are not living in vain. Another person’s attributes of happiness cause envy and automatically put them above you, causing a desire to compete and check why they have what they have. By putting ourselves in competition with someone, we elevate ourselves at the expense of that person and create a development vector for ourselves.
“Fear of exposure”
In any case, the shadow pokes at our complexes and unfulfilled desires. Yes, it reminds us that we could also achieve our goals if we did what we wanted without waiting for approval. Or if we were bolder and more decisive. Or if we were worth something in ourselves. And we know how lazy, indecisive, and unsuccessful you are…
The “Crown of the Modest Gray Mouse of Impeccability” shadow
Justice above all. Wait, and you will be rewarded according to justice. How? This underachiever made an excellent project? How? The best friend, who has no taste, secretly enrolled in courses with a famous couturier? And another illiterate chicken became the assistant of a top manager?
Infantile beliefs
Not that origin, not that life experience, youth mistakes, business mistakes of the successful – all this destroys our myth that the impeccable win, and it makes us very angry. Behind the belief in the fair distribution of resources is the belief in a kind wizard, an infantile idea that good girls get more compote. Well, you can wait… But at 30, such a belief is called not only infantilism but also an attempt to remove responsibility for your life.
Non-infantile girls know
Life is generally illogical. And there are no guarantees. You can read more about this in the book Ute Ehrhardt “Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go Wherever They Want”.
Fears and the need for security
Control, try, be vigilant. The feeling of constant threat requires support for the image and order, and for this, we need Control and Verification. The shadow says: “He might have another, you are actually not needed by anyone. So go and check.” And that’s it, there are no personal boundaries, and hints of extraneous relations are punished.
To protect ourselves from reproaches
To “feel like a decent person,” we begin to control everything around us. Our loved ones are an extension of our radiance. The shadow reminds us: “If you don’t want everyone to know what a miserable person you really are, your whole life and your surroundings must look excellent. Impeccable. Amazing.” Teach children, check how your husband, future daughter-in-law, son-in-law look.
Public opinion is the measure of our value
Our devaluation of ourselves allows us to shift the burden of caring for ourselves to our mother – public opinion. Admiration soothes the ear, allows us to relax, and the slightest criticism kills and destroys. To avoid being jealous of the fickle public opinion, it is worth listening only to the opinion of specific professionals whose objectivity and common sense you are sure of.
Loss of control and power
If you are angry and jealous when your success is copied, it is about losing control and power. The need for power reflects our insecurity and internal instability, a sense of constant threat. The stronger it is, the stronger the anger when your idea is repeated. Of course, when it comes to direct plagiarism, in some cases, it is worth defending the boundaries. But anger is a bad advisor, and you can protect the boundaries primarily legally. Most often, unfortunately, it happens that you cannot defend and confirm the right to the idea. In this case, it is better to switch your anger to coming up with new ideas and not rest on your laurels.
What do you want to tell me, malicious reflection?
What can negative emotions say? Envy and jealousy speak of suppressed desires, of the need for a change in the behavior model. As a rule, this is a call to action that we cannot implement due to unspoken taboos, fears, pride, and outdated beliefs. It is worth realizing your choices, tasks, contradictions that are relevant to us at the moment.
