The Three Levels of Love: Understanding Your Relationship Dynamics

Introduction to Love and Relationships

From the very first day of our lives, we crave love. Without it, feeling accepted and allowing ourselves to be happy becomes a challenge. As adults, we seek partners to share this beautiful emotion with. But have you ever wondered how we find our significant other? How does this selection process work? Why do we feel comfortable and at peace with one partner, while with another, something just doesn’t click?

The Honeymoon Phase

Let’s start by recalling our feelings during the ‘honeymoon phase’: suddenly, we feel like we’re flying, an everlasting happiness engulfs us. The world becomes vibrant, and we feel ‘butterflies’ in our stomach. We can’t get enough of our partner’s presence, wanting to talk, breathe, and gaze at them endlessly.

Beyond the Surface

As time passes, beyond the attractive exterior, charming voice, and behavior, certain ‘rough edges’ emerge. We weigh the pros and cons, making a choice based on our expectations from our partner. We expect love and reciprocity. It’s crucial that our partner’s idea of love aligns with our expectations.

Although the form of our emotions and the external manifestations of this feeling change with age, the foundation of love remains constant. We hope that our partner will support and nurture this foundation.

The Three Levels of Love

There are three such foundations or levels of love: love-tenderness, love-desire, and love-possession. Each of these three levels is present within us to varying degrees, just as they are in our partner. Depending on how our feeling of love was formed in childhood, one of these three levels will be more dominant than the others.

Love-Tenderness

Love-tenderness is the need for gentle and unhurried love. It’s very intimate, not requiring publicity or grand gestures. Its main need is deep, internal emotions. People with this dominant level can experience love from a distance; they don’t need to be constantly by their partner’s side. Words, cards, tender messages, and love notes bring them joy.

They need walks, conversations, approval, and encouragement. Criticism from a partner is deeply felt, and a carelessly spoken word can be dwelled upon for a long time. In terms of intimacy, people with this orientation need a lengthy prelude. Touch, caresses, kisses, and hugs are more important than the sexual act itself. Spontaneity is not their style. They value the atmosphere that allows them to immerse themselves in their world of emotions.

Love-Desire

Love-desire is characterized by a need for public demonstration of feelings, both their own and their partner’s. Admiration, surprises, bright and vivid emotions are essential for these individuals. They want not only their partner but also the world to see their love. Hugs, touches, caresses are what they need to give and receive gratefully.

Separations and distances are hard to bear, and personal attention is the best gift. In their intimate life, activity is also important. The question ‘Do you still love me?’ may arise if the partner does not provide as much intimate attention as needed. Sex is a significant component of this level of love.

Love-Possession

People with love-possession expect swiftness in relationships. They quickly and willingly let a partner into their life. They easily accept help and trust. The best question for them is: ‘What can I do for you?’ The best phrase: ‘Let me help you.’ When making promises to such people, it’s important to keep them, as they take ignorance and unfulfilled promises hard.

Love-possession is the desire to change their life and their partner’s life for the better. Sharing in deeds, common interests, the ability to share experiences lived through the day are the foundation of love-possession. In their intimate life, spontaneity, the desire to please the partner, and share new experiences with them are important.

Understanding and Communication

Now, knowing the dominant level of our love, we can answer the question: why do we feel comfortable and at peace with one partner, while with another, something just doesn’t click? And perhaps, instead of being offended or angry that the partner doesn’t love us the way we need, it’s time to talk and express what’s important to us? Then there’s an opportunity not only to speak about ourselves but also to hear the expectations of the other side.

The duration of relationships is not determined by love. But development and satisfaction in relationships are impossible without love. Love is not only intensity and strength, but also transformation that changes both the brightness of this feeling and its depth over time. The process of building relationships and nurturing love is a game, albeit on the same field, but certainly not towards the same goal.

Text: Alena Korolkova, psychologist.

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