The Epidemic of Bad Sex: Why We Deserve Better

Sex coaches educate, porn sites donate to charity for PR and release educational videos, sex toy shops help explore sensuality, and psychologists boost body confidence. All these efforts aim to improve our sex lives, but somehow, the opposite seems to be happening.

Addictions

Sex addiction used to be prevalent among the 40-50 age group, but demographics are shifting rapidly. More young men and women are seeking help. According to Newsweek, a decade ago, there were about 100 sex therapists in America; now, there are over two thousand, all specializing in compulsive behavior. People with sexual addictions crave intense emotions from sex, often leading to lost relationships, health issues, and even job loss.

Apps like Ashley Madison, which connects married individuals seeking extramarital sex, and Grindr, a GPS-based app for gay men, have become incredibly successful. Finding casual sex is easier than ever, but this accessibility exacerbates the problem as people struggle to cope with the complexities and shifts in sexual dynamics.

Contrary to previous beliefs, new statistics from PornHub in 2017 reveal that the leading search term was “porn for women.” While this is good news for those seeking emotional and narrative depth in porn, it’s bad for those who struggle to control their sexual desires.

Frustrations

Millennials are increasingly disinterested in sex, according to scientists at Florida Atlantic University. The current generation prefers the world of porn sites and commitment-free communication. Data from the European University shows that over 15% of Russian women and about 9% of men avoid sex. Interestingly, 20% of those surveyed reported being happy in their marriages without sexual relations.

Japan has developed a “celibacy syndrome,” a mass disinterest in dating, marriage, and even sex. The situation is so severe that in a Durex survey, Japan ranked last in the category of “Number of sexual acts per year.” Some blame this on porn stereotypes, such as the idea that women derive sexual pleasure solely from making men happy. Others point to high social standards, where potential partners must meet certain criteria. Some avoid sex due to psychological or physical trauma, and the only thing they desire is for others to stop pressuring them into believing that sex is a universal need. There is no single cause, leading scientists to believe it’s a genetic lottery with increasing numbers of “winners.”

Violence and Unmet Expectations

Sexual harassment was once not considered as such unless there was actual penetration, threats of physical violence, or incapacitation. Even today, comments on news about rape often blame the victim, suggesting they could have resisted more actively if they truly didn’t want it.

However, downplaying certain cases of sexual harassment also skews the data collected by statisticians. According to the Federal State Statistics Service, in 2015, Russia registered 3,900 crimes under the category of “rape and attempted rape.” Unofficial data suggests the number exceeds 10,000 per year, with the “Sisters” help center reporting that only 10-12% of victims go to the police. The situation is worsened by the fact that not all reports are accepted, and it’s challenging to get a criminal case started.

Two weeks ago, news broke about an investigation into actor Aziz Ansari. He went on a date with a woman, they had dinner, drank a bit, and then went to his apartment. According to the woman, what followed was the worst night of her life: he insisted on continuing sex and ignored her non-verbal cues. Opinions on this situation abound online, but it has helped raise the question of how often sex truly fails to meet expectations. The woman’s statement was that she found the unpleasant sexual encounter humiliating and degrading to her sense of dignity.

Women often have conflicting expectations: they want men to be gentle and attentive yet assertive. Society has taught us to say “yes” more often than “no,” leading us to agree to experiences we later find unpleasant. We are so conditioned by standards that we worry more about others’ comfort than our own, faking orgasms and continuing sex in positions comfortable only for men.

A sad truth: when a man says he had sex four times in a night, he means he had four orgasms, with no regard for the woman’s experience. It’s hard to imagine a man saying, “No, this is unacceptable; we won’t have sex if you’re not having an orgasm.” Imagine how that would change everything!

Modern feminism encourages us to recognize that women “can have as many partners as they want, initiate sex as freely as men, without cruelty and stigmatization, and that’s great.” – Salamishah Tillet, founder of A Long Walk Home, an organization working to end violence against women.

Not everyone in the world adheres to bedroom stereotypes. But it’s easy to encounter men who are too lazy and careless to pay attention to what would truly please you. While Hollywood battles sexual harassment, it often forgets that even consensual sex can be unsatisfying.

This is a problem—we truly deserve good sex. Anyone who wants to have sex deserves pleasure from start to finish. So, in our fight, we should raise the bar higher: fight not just for clear consent to sex, but for it to be genuinely good. Regardless of your orientation, gender, or age. Whether you’ve been with your partner for a long time or just met at a party. You deserve to be treated with respect, even in horizontal positions.

What to Do?

There’s a difference between consent and enthusiastic consent—a huge gap between “okay” and “oh yes, please.” Bad sex can be any moment when a partner’s words are misinterpreted. Talk about this with your partner. Talk about it with your friends. If someone plays devil’s advocate, commenting on a news story with “She should have known what she was getting into, going to his apartment at night,” think about whether you should associate with someone who doesn’t believe sex is a mutual decision.

Yes, expressing your thoughts and desires in the heat of the moment can be awkward and even seem strange, but it’s the only way to change the current situation. Learn more about sexual addiction.