Talk in Bed: How Open Communication Enhances Intimacy

“You know, I… I mean, you… well, this… you didn’t get me!” Sound familiar? This is how 80% of bedroom conversations go. And just like that, the conversation is over. Many partners prefer to keep silent and avoid discussing sex altogether. This silence breeds dissatisfaction, resentment, and anger towards each other. We blame our partners for not understanding us, but how can they understand if we don’t explain ourselves?

The Paradox of Bedroom Silence

We can openly discuss currency rates, home renovations, work relationships, child-rearing, vacations, and trips. But when it comes to sex, our vocabulary and courage vanish. Shyness and fear take over. Even if a man takes the initiative to talk, women often brush it off, thinking: “He won’t understand me!”, “What will he think of me?”, “Can’t he figure it out himself?” Why does this happen, and what can we do about it?

The Science Behind Sexual Communication

Psychologists at the University of Göttingen (Germany) found that 65% of men and 56% of women keep their sexual desires to themselves. Many of these desires could be fulfilled after just one open conversation. “Many of us try to express our desires and feelings through moans, gestures, mumbling, or deep sighs,” says American sexologist Barbara Keesling in her book “Sexual Conversations.” “The result: confusion, misunderstanding, and disappointment.”

What Women Fear Discussing with Men

Lack of Orgasm: To avoid upsetting their partner or bruising his ego, women often fake orgasms. This “white lie” doesn’t help; it leads to avoidance of intimacy, causing both partners to suffer. Try talking to your loved one about it. You might need more tenderness, affection, or perhaps more energy and activity. A loving man will listen and strive to please his woman.
Likes and Dislikes: We often stay silent about what we enjoy or dislike. If you like a particular type of caress, tell your man. If something causes discomfort or pain, silence is not the answer. Gently discuss it with your partner to find a suitable alternative together.
Protection: “It’s awkward to talk about…” What’s awkward about ensuring comfort and safety? First, choose the best protection method with your gynecologist. Second, discuss it with your partner because it concerns him as much as it concerns you.
New Positions: Few women suggest trying new sexual positions. Many still believe that such initiatives should only come from men. Where does this belief come from? No normal man will feel emascu lated if his loved one suggests trying a new position. Sex involves two people; why should only one be creative?
Sexual Fantasies: Another stumbling block is the shame of sharing sexual fantasies with a loved one. It’s normal to have fantasies. Not all can be realized immediately, like making love on golden sand under the ocean waves when you’re thousands of miles away. But it’s a matter of time, which can be spent productively realizing other desires, like role-playing.

Why We Fear Talking About Sex

Kathrin Seifert, a practicing psychologist and NLP trainer from Germany, explains: “Relationships involve adapting to each other’s interests and accepting them. This also applies to intimate life. Partners find a so-called ‘comfort zone,’ and even if something in it doesn’t suit them, they don’t want to leave it.” Moreover, love often hinders rather than helps sexual openness and the willingness to openly discuss intimate details with a partner. We fear hurting our loved ones, so we start thinking and choosing every word carefully, which doesn’t contribute to relaxation. Therefore, in most cases, we prefer to remain silent, choosing the path of least resistance: “Better to keep quiet than to blurt out something I’ll regret.”

Taking the First Step

Imagine this situation: you go to a café, sit at a table, and the waiter asks what you’d like to order, but you remain silent. Do you think he’ll guess that you want a “Caesar” salad with shrimp and not a cappuccino with an éclair? The same goes for intimate relationships. If partners don’t talk to each other about sex, it won’t become fantastically great; no one has learned to read minds yet.

Of course, if you’ve never shared your innermost thoughts with your partner before, starting the conversation won’t be easy. But it’s quite doable. Don’t spill everything at once; start softly. For example, ask your loved one what lingerie he’d like to see you in or if he likes neck caresses. During sex, if the pace isn’t quite right, whisper to your partner: “Let’s try a little slower.” Start with these seemingly insignificant questions, and soon talking about sex will bring you both as much pleasure as sex itself. The main thing is to take the first step.

Prepared by Natalia Giantievskaya.

Test: “Do You Understand Your Man?”

When a man confesses his love to you, you think…

A. He wants to make love to you.
B. He wants to give you a gift.
C. He’s lying.

When a man says he needs to be alone, you…

A. Understand his mood and leave him alone.
B. Try to find out the reason.
C. Get offended and leave the room.

When a man makes a remark to you, you…

A. Think that he might be right about something.
B. Think that he is heartless and cruel.
C. Defend yourself and make remarks in return.

When a man says he’s staying late at work, you…

A. Tell him to come home soon and prepare a delicious dinner for him.
B. Think that he has another woman.
C. Call him many times and ask when he will come home.

When a man gives you flowers, you…

A. Rejoice and hug him.
B. Try to find out the occasion from him.
C. Think that he has done something wrong.

When a man tells you about his problems, you…

A. Listen carefully and try to cheer him up with kind words.
B. Ask him how you can help him.
C. Reproach him for creating problems for himself.

When a man suggests going to a restaurant, you…

A. Agree and suggest he choose the place.
B. Say that you don’t mind having dinner at home, but if he insists…
C. Accuse him of being a spendthrift.

When a man has done wrong and asks for your forgiveness, you…

A. Forgive and don’t bring up the topic again.
B. Try to evoke his pity with tears.
C. Try to shame him and remind him of his guilt more than once.

Mostly “A” answers: “Smart Realist”

You always sense a man’s mood and understand him like no one else. The main components of your union are trust and mutual understanding. You know how to listen to and hear a man, so many of your desires…

For more insights, visit Psychology Today.