Setting Boundaries: The Key to a Healthy Relationship

For a woman, it is crucial to clearly define the boundaries of what she can give to her partner without feeling resentment or offense. Instead of waiting for her partner to reciprocate, she should maintain equality in the relationship by adjusting her own contributions accordingly.

The Story of Jim and Susan

Let’s consider an example. Jim was 39, and his wife Susan was 41 when they sought counseling. Susan wanted a divorce, complaining that for nine years, she had been giving more than she received. She accused Jim of becoming heartless, despotic, and selfish, nothing like the romantic man she once knew. Susan felt she had nothing left to give and was ready to end the marriage. Jim convinced her to try therapy, and over six months, they took three essential steps to heal their relationship. Today, they are still together, happy, with three children.

Step 1: Motivation

I explained to Jim that over the nine years of their marriage, Susan had accumulated resentment, and it had reached a breaking point. To save their marriage, Jim needed to listen to Susan, understand her feelings, and motivate her to stay. During the first six sessions, I helped Susan express her feelings while guiding Jim to understand the reasons behind her negativity. This was the most challenging part of the healing process. As Jim heard Susan’s pain and dissatisfaction, he became more motivated to change their relationship for the better and rekindle their love.

Before Susan could find the motivation to save their marriage, she needed to feel heard and understood. Once she felt that Jim acknowledged her complaints, they could move on to the second step.

Step 2: Responsibility

The second step involved recognizing their responsibilities in the relationship’s problems. Jim needed to acknowledge his role in failing to support Susan, while Susan had to admit her part in not setting boundaries. Jim apologized for his mistakes, and Susan realized that Jim’s disrespectful behavior occurred because she hadn’t established clear boundaries. Although Susan didn’t need to apologize, she acknowledged her role in the issues.

Understanding that her inability to set boundaries contributed to their problems helped Susan begin to forgive. Recognizing her own faults was crucial for Susan to stop viewing her marriage solely through the lens of accumulated resentment. This step motivated both Jim and Susan to find new ways to support each other by respecting each other’s boundaries.

Step 3: Practice

Jim needed to learn to respect Susan’s boundaries, and Susan had to learn to set and communicate them. Both had to practice expressing their feelings respectfully. They agreed to practice setting boundaries, understanding that they might make mistakes along the way. This agreement provided a safety net for both of them. Here are some examples from their experience:

Susan practiced saying, “I don’t like how you’re talking to me. Please speak to me respectfully, or I will have to leave.” After leaving the room a few times during unpleasant conversations, Jim began to change his tone.
When Jim wanted Susan to do something she didn’t want to, she learned to say, “No, I need to rest” or “No, I have too much to do today.” Jim began to respect her needs and became more attentive.
Susan told Jim she wanted to go on vacation. When he said he was too busy, she replied that she would go alone. Jim quickly rearranged his schedule to join her.
During conversations, when Jim interrupted Susan, she learned to say, “I’m not finished. Please listen to me.” Jim began to listen more and interrupt less.
Susan struggled with asking for what she wanted. She felt that after all she had done for Jim, she shouldn’t have to ask. I explained that blaming Jim for not guessing her desires was unproductive and contributed to their problems. Susan needed to take responsibility for communicating her needs.
Jim’s main challenge was to respect that Susan had changed and not expect her to remain the convenient, patient partner she had been. He acknowledged that while it was difficult for Susan to set boundaries, it was equally challenging for him to adapt to them. However, Jim understood that with practice, it would become easier.

Feeling the presence of boundaries motivated Jim to give more. By practicing respect for these boundaries, he was automatically motivated to review and change his previous behavior patterns. Susan, understanding that she needed to set clear boundaries to receive what she wanted, became more forgiving and open to finding new ways to seek and provide support. By setting boundaries, she gradually learned to relax and receive more from Jim.

Excerpt from the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by John Gray. For more information, visit the official website.