Respecting Boundaries: The Key to Healthy Parent-Child Relationships

Understanding Personal Boundaries in Families

It’s always unsettling when someone invades your space without permission, whether it’s your physical space or your personal life. This can be especially true when it comes from family members. But does being family mean we have unlimited access to each other’s lives? Or does each individual have the right to their own personal boundaries? We sat down with psychologist, coach, and business trainer Marina Polyanskaya to discuss personal boundaries within families.

Are Boundary Violations a Modern Problem or a Norm?

According to Polyanskaya, boundary violations are more of a norm. They have always existed and will continue to exist. There are two extremes: “I will love you to death” and “I don’t care about you” – both of which involve boundary violations. Adults often struggle with the idea that their children will assert their rights and make their own choices.

The level of self-awareness in parents plays a significant role. If a child is treated like a toy, their boundaries are likely to be disregarded. However, if a child is seen as a part of life and an individual, parents are more likely to respect their boundaries. Therefore, parents must first establish these boundaries and then address whether they are being violated.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

A child’s primary task is to explore the world and themselves. The first major milestone is around age 3, when a child starts asserting their independence. Parents should explain their requirements and the consequences of actions to help children understand boundaries.

Patience is key. If a child is not given explanations and is either restricted too much or allowed too much freedom, they may struggle with understanding their personal boundaries as adults. This can lead to inconsistent behavior, such as allowing someone close one day and pushing them away the next.

How Parents Violate Children’s Boundaries

We were never taught effective communication or how to take responsibility for our lives and let our children live theirs. Take the teenage crisis, for example. The task of this age is to learn group communication rules and behavioral norms. Problems arise when a teenager’s personality is not respected, and parents take the stance of “only I have the right to judge.”

Instead of labeling the teenager as “bad” or “irresponsible,” it’s better to discuss their actions and feelings. Asking questions like “How do you feel about this?” helps teenagers understand their emotions and establish their boundaries.

Boundary Violations in Adulthood

Even as adults, children can experience boundary violations. For example, a mother might say, “You always spend time with your girlfriends, and I’m lonely. You’re so heartless.” This statement accuses the child of being heartless and spending time unwisely. However, it’s essential to recognize that adults have the right to make their own choices.

Parents should understand that their children can say “no” to their requests. Recognizing this right is a sign of respect for their boundaries. It’s also important to understand that each person’s world does not revolve around others.

Dealing with Unwanted Requests

Manipulators often use guilt and shame to control others. If parents try to guilt-trip their children into doing something they don’t want to do, it’s essential to set boundaries respectfully. For example, “I understand that you want me to go with you, and I appreciate it. But I have to say no.”

It’s crucial to separate responsibilities. If a parent chooses to be offended, that’s their decision. It’s not the child’s responsibility to manage their parents’ emotions.

Parents Planning Children’s Lives

Parents often have expectations about their children’s lives, including their careers, relationships, and family planning. However, it’s important to remember that these are the parents’ expectations, not necessarily what the child wants. Parents should avoid making decisions for their children, such as choosing their college or partner.

Children should be free to say, “Thank you for your concern, but I will follow my own path.” It’s essential to recognize that parents’ unhappiness with their children’s choices is their issue to resolve, not the children’s.

For further reading on this topic, you can visit Psychology Today.