Overcoming Guilt: How to Stop Blaming Yourself for Others’ Suffering

Overcoming Guilt: How to Stop Blaming Yourself for Others’ Suffering

“I survived, but they perished,” a person torments themselves after an accident. “I should have behaved differently,” a victim of violence blames themselves. “I did everything wrong, and now others are suffering,” a businessman in crisis berates themselves. However, neither self-flagellation nor repeatedly saying “forgive me” brings relief. How can we cope with the guilt that eats us from within? Vita Medvedeva, a psychologist and certified Gestalt therapist, shares her insights.

The Nature of Guilt

Guilt, by its nature, is an important emotion. It helps us be more sensitive and attentive to others. It serves as an internal compass, indicating when we stray from our path or betray our principles. Normally, guilt arises when a person realizes they have done something wrong, broken rules, or caused someone pain.

If a person is mature enough, this feeling will prompt them to apologize and rectify the situation. This brings relief to all parties involved, resolves the situation both externally and internally, and soon the person forgets about it.

False Guilt

False guilt occurs when a person has not actually done anything wrong but still feels guilty. This can happen to survivors of accidents, successful individuals surrounded by less fortunate people, or victims of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse who blame themselves for not behaving differently.

When there are clear external rules that align with one’s internal worldview, it is easier for people to avoid falling into guilt. For example, if a country has laws against domestic violence and everyone agrees that the abuser is at fault, it is easier to assign blame correctly.

However, situations often unfold differently. The abuser may go unpunished and even shift the blame onto the victim. Neighbors might say, “You should have behaved differently.” In such cases, it is easy to start feeling guilty, especially if the person is predisposed to it.

People who grew up in dependent and codependent families are particularly prone to false guilt. As children, they were made to believe that their parents’ happiness, health, and well-being depended on them. Many Belarusians aged 30-40 were raised this way, as it was considered normal at the time.

False guilt does not help improve one’s relationship with the world; it destroys the person from within. There is no one to apologize to, nothing to fix, and no way to resolve the situation.

What to Do?

Recognize Your Feelings and Powerlessness

Upon closer inspection, false guilt often masks other emotions such as fear, anger, and powerlessness. It is difficult for an adult to confront their own powerlessness, to admit that they could not change or control the situation, and that circumstances or another person proved stronger.

If this powerlessness is linked to childhood trauma, it becomes even more unbearable. As a child, they may have failed to reconcile their parents, leading to divorce, or failed to intervene when their father hit their mother. Feeling powerless as an adult, they experience the same storm of emotions they felt as a child.

The mind dislikes pain and will employ all possible defenses to avoid it. Consequently, anger, fear, and powerlessness are “packaged” into guilt. This bundle of emotions, meant to be directed outward, is turned inward, leading to guilt. However, self-flagellation benefits no one. The task is to reverse this process, bringing it from the subconscious into consciousness. Acknowledge your fear, anger, and, most importantly, your powerlessness.

Yes, you are just a human being; you cannot control everything in this world, and others can be stronger than you. Remind yourself that the guilt of the abuser is theirs alone, not the victim’s.

Find a Way to Express Yourself

It is crucial to test reality. People often fall into extremes: either they are willing to do anything, even reckless actions, to rid themselves of guilt, or they resign themselves to being unable to change anything in their lives.

In both cases, it is essential to pause and look around with a clear mind. Take responsibility for your actions or inactions. Before doing anything, ask yourself: “How will this affect my family, my children, my life?” If you choose to do nothing, ask: “Am I truly this limited? Is it really this dangerous?” In both scenarios, ask: “Am I ready to take responsibility for my choice?”

For example, you could set yourself on fire to protest domestic violence. However, you must understand the risk of death or serious health problems. Ask your loved ones if they are prepared to live without you or care for you for many years (and you might feel guilty about this as well). Alternatively, you could spend your life being angry at the aggressor and avoiding all men.

Or, you could build a shelter for victims of violence, volunteer at an existing shelter, or support it financially. You could go on dates with a gas canister in your bag and only to crowded places.

Thus, you need to choose a form that helps you feel in control of the situation and improves it as much as you can without destroying your life and the lives of your loved ones.

Toxic, permanent guilt robs us of freedom. A person consumed by it becomes frozen, unable to feel their needs and desires. They cannot manage their life. Therefore, it is important to escape from it in time and try not to fall back into it.

For further reading, consider exploring this resource on guilt by the American Psychological Association.