Navigating the Vaccine Divide: How Kiwi Couples Are Coping

Misinformation about the Covid-19 vaccine has driven a wedge between many. Michelle Robinson spoke to four couples navigating the complexities of differing vaccine opinions within their relationships.

The Summer of Division

Last summer, the true extent of the vaccine divide became apparent. Christmas gatherings were missing unvaccinated family members, and friends were absent from holiday traditions. But what happens when couples themselves are on opposite sides of the debate? We spoke to four couples where one partner is pro-vaccine and the other is anti-vaccine, exploring how their differing views impact daily life.

Holly and Phil: A Tale of Two Decisions

For Taranaki mother Holly, getting vaccinated was a secret endeavor. Initially, she hid her decision from her husband Phil to maintain peace at home.

“I was upset that she got vaccinated and didn’t tell me until a week later,” Phil admits. “But after some cooling off time, I realized it was her own decision to make.”

The couple, both in their 30s, agree that each other’s choices didn’t influence their own decisions. Phil remains skeptical: “I just don’t believe in the vaccine. I believe the vaccine is ineffective. All the mandates are bad for society and have caused discrimination, division, and hatred.”

Holly, who has underlying medical conditions and a low immune system, saw the vaccine as her best protection. “After a lot of thought, I came to that decision despite my husband being against it,” she says. “It was the right thing to do for me, given that I’m a mother and have to care for my two kids and husband. Also, it’s my body, my choice.”

The couple decided early on to avoid vaccine discussions. However, the topic resurfaced when planning date nights. “We used to dine out at cafes and restaurants together, but now we can’t do that, which sucks,” Holly says. “It means there are a lot of family activities we can’t do all together now, like go to the pools, museum, and bowling.”

Camping trips were also off the table as many campgrounds require a vaccine passport. “But at the end of the day, those things aren’t important,” Holly adds. “There are still lots of places we can go as a family, like the beach or park. And we can always grab takeaways, so there are ways around it.”

Rebecca and Tommy: Mandate Pressure and New Frictions

Rebecca, an Auckland mother in her forties, eventually succumbed to what she calls “mandate pressure” to continue working and socializing. Despite attending a march against mandates, her vaccine hesitancy stems from personal health concerns.

“My experience of exclusion and coercion still bothered me,” she says.

Now, the couple faces a new challenge: vaccinating their children. While Tommy is pro-vax and supports their 12-year-old daughter getting immunized, Rebecca has not booked an appointment.

“We appreciate that we are together and in the same country. We look for the positives,” Rebecca says. “But the conversation seems limited at times, a bit superficial, a reluctance to go too deep for fear of an argument.”

Lisa and Andrew: Respectful Disagreement

Lisa and Andrew, parents of two, have found a way to respectfully agree to disagree. Andrew, eager to return to normal life and see family overseas, chose to get double-vaccinated. Lisa, however, declined the vaccine due to her beliefs about coercion and censorship.

Despite their differing stances, the couple’s opinions have subtly influenced each other. Lisa understands the mental toll of exclusion, while Andrew is now hesitant about getting boosters after considering his wife’s perspective.

“We have managed to keep good solid ground. Identifying we aren’t each other’s enemies,” Lisa says. “And over time, our view is becoming more united. We openly chat about it but try and keep it factual rather than let emotions lead discussions.”

Lilah: Living with an Aggressively Anti-Vax Partner

Lilah, in her 60s, describes living with an “aggressively anti-vax” partner as a significant strain on their relationship. Her husband declined to comment.

“We have actually reformatted our relationship,” Lilah says. “By mutually agreeing to disagree, we do not discuss these matters anymore.”

Under the traffic light system, which came into play after a 90% vaccination rate was achieved, the couple has enjoyed a return to social life. Lilah is grateful for this, despite the challenges their differing stances have brought.

“Once we agreed to respect each other’s opinions and not try to change them, our relationship became more respectful,” she says. Her husband is taking a form of RNA, similar to the vaccine, as a treatment for melanoma. “Despite the fact that he was advised to get vaccinated, I can understand why he chose otherwise.”

Expert Advice: Navigating the Vaccine Divide

Auckland-based clinical psychologist Nic Beets offers advice for couples navigating the vaccine divide. “There’s uncharitable language being used on both sides,” he says. “If you are a vaccine skeptic, you don’t understand science and you’re deluded and foolish. If you believe in vaccine science, then you’ve been had by Big Pharma, and you’re deluded and foolish.”

“It’s one thing to read information online that calls people deluded and foolish. If you then call your spouse that, well, that’s really unhelpful,” Beets adds. He recommends speaking and listening with empathy, and avoiding inflammatory language.

For more information on navigating difficult conversations, you can refer to resources from the American Psychological Association.