Motherhood or Not: A Woman’s Choice to Embrace or Forgo

What is Childfree?

The childfree phenomenon refers to the conscious decision of women to forgo motherhood. This concept first emerged in Europe during the 1970s. Society’s response to this choice varies widely, with some individuals showing tolerance and acceptance, while others view it as pure selfishness or immaturity. To gain insights into why women consciously choose not to have children and how to accept such a stance in oneself or loved ones, we spoke with Alexandra Donova, a practicing coach and psychologist.

Childfree as a Concern

As a practicing coach for over seven years, I have encountered women seeking guidance on various life issues, including motherhood. Childfree is the voluntary choice to remain childless, reflecting a conscious decision not to have children. These women do not dream of seeing two lines on a pregnancy test, nor do they find photos of babies or children endearing. Consequently, they often face misunderstanding and judgment from those around them, including family and friends. Before categorically identifying as childfree, it is crucial to sincerely ask yourself: “What do I truly want?” If you are at peace with your decision and questions from loved ones do not evoke negative emotions, then this is your free and conscious choice.

Let me share an example from my practice. One of my clients had very strict parents. Her mother controlled every aspect of her life, from extracurricular activities and friendships to what she wore and ate. Now, she identifies as “childfree,” enjoying the freedom to choose her own hobbies, friends, and travel destinations. In this way, she is “reliving” the carefree childhood she never had. When her mother and relatives remind her that “the clock is ticking” and urge her to have children, she calmly responds that she is comfortable and happy with her current lifestyle.

I prefer the term “delayed motherhood.” If you are currently categorically rejecting the role of a mother, it is possible that your perspective may change in the future. We shape our own reality and receive what we believe in. It is important to make a conscious choice. The goal is not just to give birth but to feel harmonious in the role of a mother. If questions from others about when you will have children make you feel uneasy or anxious, I would recommend exploring this issue with the help of a psychologist or coach.

Alexandra Donova, Practicing Coach and Psychologist

Reasons for Rejecting Motherhood

I would say that the childfree philosophy often stems from distorted beliefs and attitudes that women firmly hold and convey to others.

Reason #1: Fear of Repeating Parental Scenarios

If a woman experienced family discord or divorce and felt unloved or unwanted as a child, there is a high probability that she may refuse motherhood as an adult. She may not want to rush into starting a family to avoid making her own children unhappy. Acceptance is key here: “Yes, my family was like that. My parents loved me as best as they could, or perhaps they were never taught how to love. I feel sorry that it was like that, but they have their own path, and I have mine. What do I want?”

Reason #2: Fear of Financial Problems

Belief: “A child involves significant financial expenses. I do not have a stable income or my own home. I cannot afford all the expenses, so I will not burden myself with a child.”

Reason #3: Distrust of Partner or Fear of Losing Them

“What kind of father would my husband make?” He is not psychologically ready for fatherhood and cannot take care of a child. Or the belief: “If I get pregnant, my partner will leave me.” Some men prefer a life without children and the additional responsibility.

Reason #4: Fear of Losing Figure and Beauty

“I will become fat and ugly. I will look like an ugly hippo.”

Reason #5: Self-Rejection

“I am a loser, ugly. Women like me should not have children.”

Reason #6: Fear of Losing Independence and Changing Lifestyle

“A child is a burden. You no longer belong to yourself. You lose personal time and forget about your own needs.”

Reason #7: Fear of Losing Job or Career

“With a small child, you will not get a good job.” “Women with children are not taken seriously in the company.”

Reason #8: Prohibition of Feelings, Rejection of Feelings

“I have never loved anyone. Children irritate me. I will not be able to love my own child.”

Reason #9: Sexual Trauma

“All men need is sex. They do not need relationships.”

Reason #10: Fear of Childbirth Pain and Repeating Birth Scenarios

Fear of childbirth pain or repeating family scenarios involving stillborn children, disabilities, or children with special psycho-physical development needs.

Working with such beliefs and past experiences is not easy. If a woman is determined and ready to confront these attitudes, I recommend seeking psychological or psychotherapeutic help. The duration of self-work depends on the depth of the trauma and the individual’s desire to change.

How to Respond to Hurtful Comments

Despite society’s efforts to combat gender inequality, some people still equate childless women with “incomplete” individuals. This leads to a constant desire among relatives and friends to “do good” and “set one on the right path.” Many women have likely heard comments such as: “When will you have a child? Have you looked at your passport lately? Have a child now, or it will be too late! You are selfish! Think about us, we want to see our grandchildren before we die.” And, of course, the classic remark about a glass of water in old age.

It is one thing when relatives say these things to you, instilling a sense of guilt. It is another when strangers, colleagues, or acquaintances tactlessly interfere in your personal life. Dealing with parents is more challenging. It is important to gradually but firmly establish boundaries while respecting their authority. Emphasize that you value their love and care. For example, you can say: “Dear relatives, I know that you love me and wish me well. Thank you for giving me life. Allow me to live as I want and make my own choices. You want me to be happy, right? I am happy now.” Another option is to simply remain silent, change the subject, or walk away. Some people, due to their upbringing, do not recognize boundaries and ask questions “out of the goodness of their hearts.” They may not realize that their questions have upset you and expect a sincere answer.

Here are several examples of how a woman can respond to uncomfortable questions from colleagues, neighbors, or acquaintances about being childfree:

• Will my answer change anything in your life? / What is the purpose of your question?
• I can only discuss such topics with close friends.
• I believe it is inappropriate to ask about personal life.
• Thank you for your concern.
• I am shocked by my own life. I cannot sleep; I am constantly worried.
• Why do we always talk about me? Let’s discuss your achievements.
• Let’s talk about something else.
• Do I understand correctly that other people’s personal lives are of great interest to you?
• Please, do not worry about this.
• Besides this information, is there anything else you would like to know about me?
• Do you want to talk about this? – Upon hearing an affirmative answer, confidently say: “I do not.”

In such situations, irony and a sense of humor can also help. If you want to joke and have acting skills, you can try saying something like…

You know, like you, I am concerned about the decline in the birth rate in our country. The demographic situation is at risk! The nation is on the verge of extinction… Where is the world heading?

You see, I am currently carefully selecting a candidate to whom I can entrust my egg cell. You are a wise woman; can I take you as a…