Infidelity on the Horizon: What Drives Partners to Cheat and How to Forgive

Psychologists refer to marital infidelity as a non-normative crisis: it’s unpredictable and unavoidable. There are numerous factors that can lead to infidelity. Natalya Olifirovich, a candidate of psychological sciences, Gestalt therapist, and family therapist, has warned couples about the reasons behind infidelity in marriage and how to move forward if a partner has been unfaithful.

Understanding Infidelity

Infidelity can be categorized into three types: physical, emotional, and combined. Physical infidelity involves touch and sex, while emotional infidelity is characterized by interest, attraction, and the desire to communicate and open up. Estee Perel, a world-renowned expert in sexual relationships, identifies three components of marital infidelity:

Secrecy
Sexual chemistry
Emotional involvement

In today’s world, where women are becoming more masculinized and men more feminized, we cannot make simple generalizations. People experience infidelity differently, from extreme reactions to more measured responses.

Motives Behind Infidelity

Various complexities in a relationship can serve as triggers for infidelity. These issues can be related to individual partners or the relationship as a whole. Some of the most common types of infidelity include:

Protest Infidelity: Occurs when there is a buildup of dissatisfaction, discontent, and anger in the relationship. The infidelity is a form of protest and a way to punish the partner.
Romantic Infidelity: Happens when the routine and fatigue of marriage lead to a desire for new experiences, passion, and excitement. The appearance of someone who can reignite these feelings often leads to romantic infidelity.
Signal Infidelity: Aimed at attracting the attention and interest of the partner. It is used as a way to rekindle interest when communication and agreement in the relationship are lacking.
Burnout Infidelity: Occurs when all attempts to improve the relationship have failed, and the infidelity serves as a way to end a dying marriage.
Safety-Net Infidelity: Happens when a partner fears that their spouse is unreliable and the relationship is not secure. The affair serves as a safety net in case of a breakup.
Power-Player Infidelity: Typically involves a man who believes he can do anything. He often disrespects women and uses them to confirm his power, attractiveness, and strength.
Sex-Addict Infidelity: Involves individuals with an insatiable need for sex. The partner is less important than the quantity and variety of sexual experiences.

The Impact of Marriage Duration

The duration of the marriage can influence the motives for infidelity. In the early stages of marriage, safety-net, protest, and signal infidelities are more common. Long-term couples often face romantic infidelity and burnout infidelity. Power-players and sex-addicts, however, may cheat constantly, regardless of the marriage phase.

Life After Infidelity

For some couples, infidelity is the final nail in the coffin of their marital relationship. For others, it can be a turning point for growth and renewal. By experiencing the pain and healing their wounds, partners can begin to truly value their relationship, communicate, and make agreements. However, infidelity is like a zone of alienation, and navigating it without professional help can be challenging. Therefore, seeking the help of a family psychologist is often necessary for couples dealing with infidelity.

7 Steps to Forgiveness

The most important thing for the hurt partner is not to adopt a superior attitude of “I forgive you.” It’s also crucial for the unfaithful partner not to distance themselves and say, “I’ve already apologized, the topic is closed.” Both partners need to understand that the healing process takes time and the topic may resurface multiple times.

If the couple truly wants to stay together, they need to work on themselves, possibly with the help of a family psychologist specializing in emotionally-focused therapy. The couple and the psychologist will need to go through several stages:

Understand what triggered the infidelity.
Ensure that the infidelity has ended and that the unfaithful partner is genuinely remorseful.
Explore how early experiences and traumas influence each partner and how old traumas can lead to re-traumatization during infidelity.
Learn to recognize destructive cycles in the relationship, such as “attack-withdrawal,” “aggression-aggression,” and “distancing-distancing.”
Develop new traditions and rituals, and make new vows of fidelity.
Try to understand, accept, and love each other despite all imperfections, problems, and weaknesses.
Live happily, as the couples who are satisfied with their partnership are not those who have never experienced infidelity, but those who have used it as a lesson to build reliable and warm relationships.

Harmony After Infidelity: A Reality

Let’s consider an example from practice. A 28-year-old IT specialist discovered that his wife was cheating on him and wanted to leave him. He could easily access her email and knew about all her movements but did not confront her. In this situation, the infidelity was preceded by communication difficulties. The husband had changed jobs and started earning twice as much, but this did not prevent the infidelity.

For more insights on relationship dynamics, you can refer to Psychology Today.