How to become more in-tune with your emotions

How to Become More In-Tune with Your Emotions

Sometimes life is tough, and pretending you’re not hurting won’t help. Psychologist Jacqui Maguire says learning to work through hardship and sadness is an essential life skill.

Understanding Emotion Regulation

Being aware of your emotions, accepting them without judgment, and managing intense and unhelpful emotions is known as “emotion regulation.” It’s one of the most important skills needed for good mental health and wellbeing. When we can cope with experiencing all kinds of emotions, both positive and negative, it’s easier to navigate life’s challenges and stresses. We are also able to fully benefit from positive experiences and authentically connect with people around us.

The Pitfalls of Toxic Positivity

Unfortunately, the message that both positive and negative emotions are important to our wellbeing seems to have been lost for many. Instead, there seems to be a growing trend for people to try to ditch all experiences of negative emotions, replacing them with an avalanche of positive self-statements and “good vibes only.” Psychologists call this “toxic positivity,” an unhealthy habit of pretending negative emotions don’t happen or only being willing to look at the good side of any situation without recognizing the complexities of emotion that accompany our experiences.

Signs of Toxic Positivity

• In the midst of grief, being told: “Everything happens for a reason.”
• Feeling guilty about not being happy.
• When you’re managing something really tough and people say: “Chin up, look on the bright side.”
• Avoiding challenging emotions, either experiencing them or memories of sad times.
• If you say you are experiencing a negative emotion, such as frustration, disappointment, or sadness, and you get told happiness is a choice.
• Purposefully avoiding issues that may spark negative emotions.

Strategies to Deal with Emotions

• Be aware of how you feel by checking in with yourself. Set a timer on your phone two or three times a day, and note how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
• Try to be realistic. When you are facing challenging times, remind yourself that it’s normal to experience unpleasant emotions.
• Practice helpful emotion regulation strategies, such as journal writing or talking with a supportive friend, family member, or someone who’s not involved.
• If you are supporting someone else, focus on listening more than talking. Be present and acknowledge their situation and emotion.
• Be mindful of how much social media content you are consuming. If your mood worsens after you’ve been scrolling, it’s a signal that you may benefit from less exposure.

Now more than ever, as the world grapples with the ongoing challenges, we need to tread gently as we collectively experience complex emotions. And if nothing else, remember “the best way is always through it.”

Jacqui Maguire is a registered clinical psychologist. She is the founder of the Mind Brew podcast and has written a children’s book, When the Wind Blew, to help children cope with change. For more information, visit jacquimaguire.co.nz.