From Then to Now: The Evolution of Parent-Child Communication

Observing modern parents is fascinating. The term “parenting” has been firmly linked to the concept of “conscious parenting,” and the literature on child-rearing is vast. Evolution has impacted not only information technology but also human communication. Childhood has changed, and communicating with children requires a special approach and understanding. While physical punishment was acceptable in the 20th century, today it can lead to the loss of parental rights. Our experts share their insights on how to communicate with modern children.

Olga Anushkina, Psychologist, Dialogue and Family Therapist

Then: The “Carrot and Stick” Method and “Adults Are Always Right”

20-25 years ago, raising and communicating with children was both simpler and more challenging. The concepts of freedom and responsibility have significantly changed. There was more behavioral freedom in actions but less in thought. The world was full of restrictions and conventions. External judgment was crucial for most people. Shame and physical punishment were primary regulators of children’s behavior. Responsibility was not internally realized but regulated by fear of punishment and societal judgment.

The “carrot and stick” method was widely used in the post-Soviet space, where “correct behavior” was rewarded, and “incorrect,” inconvenient behavior was strictly punished to deter repetition. Respect for elders was the norm, regardless of their actual achievements, intelligence, or behavior.

Communication with children in most families and society followed the “adults are always right” scheme. The cult of physical strength as the main argument in conflict situations was transferred not only to the family but also to children’s relationships. Parents encouraged children to stand up for themselves in fights.

At the end of the 20th century, children were given a lot of responsibility: they often spent time after school independently, went shopping, cleaned the house, cooked meals for parents, communicated directly with adults, and learned to find effective ways to get what they wanted.

Now: Precious Little Adults and Equality

Our approach to communicating with and raising children has changed significantly; the values of parenting have evolved. We cultivate healthy selfishness combined with infantilism.

Children today are like “very precious little adults,” whose needs are important and must be met to help them grow into harmonious individuals.

On one hand, modern children have everything they want at “arm’s length.” On the other hand, they experience a lot of underlying anxiety: fear of not keeping up, not being good enough, not being cool enough, not traveling enough, not having the latest iPhone, and so on.

The digital world has almost eliminated personal communication among children and adults. It is more convenient to communicate through screens and social networks than to meet a real interlocutor.

Advice to parents: Communicate with children more often directly, without gadgets. If they see you on your phone all the time, demanding different behavior from them is useless. We raise children by our example. Talk, ask questions, tell stories from life, share experiences, engage in joint activities. This brings you closer, while gadgets create a barrier to personal communication. If a parent is busy with their laptop and ignores the child, the child learns to ignore others, considering this behavior normal.

Forms of passive aggression such as sarcasm, offensive comments in chats, and online trolling thrive on the internet. Responsibility for one’s behavior is shifted. It’s “not me who is offending, it’s the character.”

Advice to parents: Teach children to express their discontent in other ways, without insults: to criticize constructively if they don’t like something or not to engage in “hate” at all and not to pay attention to it. If there is no positive dynamics, it is important to stop communicating online with people who regularly violate boundaries through aggressive attacks. It is very important for adults themselves to pay attention to forms of aggressive behavior in the online space to convey information to the child. After all, the task of parenting is to ensure the safety of the child. In this case, safety means information: “forewarned is forearmed.”

Infantile behavior is progressing, where responsibility begins to be avoided in more and more manifestations of social interaction. “It’s not me who was late for the meeting, but the phone turned off, so I didn’t see the information.” As always, we can teach by our own example. If adults violate agreements, then our children will do the same. Behind every action or inaction is parental responsibility. Blamed the turned-off phone? The responsibility comes in the form of dissatisfaction from people who were let down, changing attitudes towards you for the worse. Automatically, such behavior allows others to also not fulfill agreements with you, i.e., to be late. Several repetitions of such situations—and an attitude towards you as an unreliable person is formed.

Freedom is cultivated as a given from birth. But the problem is that freedom does not exist by itself. It always comes with responsibility for one’s behavior, first and foremost to oneself, and then to others.

Again, adults can teach responsibility through their behavior. When adults keep their word, fulfill agreements, and are responsible for their actions towards children, they show that the child should also behave this way with others.

Tatyana Akimova, Expert in Women’s Leadership, Founder of EnergyGo Community, Mother

Then and Now: Lack of Communication with Children and Faith

Modern children are, of course, different from us. They grow up in an era of abundance, digital technology, and consumption. They navigate everything faster. Notice, now a generation of children is growing up who always have someone at home. We grew up with a key around our necks. We didn’t have phones or tablets. We read a lot and played in the yard. And now children know few people from their home. And you rarely see children playing in the yard.

Recently, a teacher told me that modern boys are not like before. Now they are very vulnerable, cry more, and can be offended by a single word said by a classmate or someone else. Remember yourself: were you deeply offended by the words of classmates? You gave a verbal or physical retort and went about your business!

What unites modern children and those who were children 15-20 years ago? Lack of communication. Simple, human communication: conversations before bed, stories from mom or dad about their childhood. Not like “when I was your age, I already knew how to wash dishes and weed the garden.” But about how they tricked their parents and what happened, how they didn’t learn a lesson due to laziness and got a bad grade, how they revealed someone else’s secret and lost a friend, how they ate the candies prepared for guests, how they earned money for the first time. Children are ready to learn from our stories, but we tell them too little.

Not long ago, I interviewed a woman of high social status from Kiev for my private club, who is heavily involved in gender issues, and asked her about children. She said a very good thing:

Modern children do not need potatoes with borscht, but support, the shoulder of mom and dad.

There is a lot of information, they are not hungry, but they are lonely. They lack faith in themselves and the world. And this is what we can give them.