Breaking Free: Overcoming Toxic Relationships and Codependency

Understanding the Roots of Codependent Behavior

At the core of codependent behavior lies fear. Toxic relationships often stem from two extremes: counter-dependent relationships, more common in men, and codependent relationships, more prevalent in women. Both scenarios are equally harmful. In counter-dependent relationships, individuals fear intimacy and avoid close contact. Conversely, in codependent relationships, partners may cling excessively but struggle to establish healthy boundaries.

Why Do People Tolerate Abuse?

Our life paths are shaped by past experiences. Emotionally charged events tend to repeat themselves like a programmed loop. Learning to resolve traumatic situations in new ways is crucial. Emotions are energy, and from childhood, families pass down various emotionally charged patterns. Analyzing childhood experiences can help identify and address these “malfunctions.”

The inability to build healthy relationships often stems from childhood trauma, specifically “rejection.” This trauma frequently originates in the relationship with the mother, as every child needs maternal acceptance and love. A mother’s loyal attitude fosters a sense of calm in the child. However, changes in behavior, such as increased distance, neglect of the child’s needs, or ignoring their desires, can trigger this trauma. Statements like “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’ll give you to this man” can be devastating for a child, equating to a form of emotional death.

How Does Dependency Form?

Trauma often forms in early childhood. “Rejection” occurs because young children lack the ability to care for themselves. Dependency arises when individuals struggle to build a relationship with themselves. There are several levels of needs that require specific skills to achieve self-sufficiency. These levels, rooted in childhood, project into adulthood. Mastering each level ensures that dependent relationships are less likely to occur.

Level of Sensations

At this level, it’s essential to satisfy basic needs such as food and clothing. If individuals lack these self-care skills from childhood, they may subconsciously seek out partners who can provide these necessities. Attraction often forms not to the person but to their abilities. Learning self-care can prevent dependency.

Emotional Level

Here, individuals must learn to overcome fears and experience both positive and negative emotions. Partners may initially provide these qualities, leading to dependency. However, developing these skills independently can prevent such reliance.

Personal Level

This level involves recognition, respect, and pride. If individuals lack self-respect but receive it from a partner, dependency can form. Self-respect is crucial to avoid such dynamics.

Experience Level

Individuals who struggle to positively assess their past and understand the value of their experiences may become dependent on others. Low self-esteem often accompanies this level, increasing the risk of dependency.

Spiritual Level

If individuals do not recognize their right to uniqueness and self-expression, they may gravitate towards those who do. This level can lead to intense spiritual dependency.

How Does a Psychologist Address This Issue?

Initially, people present their best selves, a phase often called the “candy-bouquet period.” However, this phase eventually ends, revealing the partner’s less desirable traits. The energy exchange in a relationship significantly impacts its quality. Over time, partners grow closer, especially after intimate moments. If one partner is self-critical or neglects their needs, the other may unconsciously mimic this behavior.

Identifying the emotional “malfunction” is crucial. Regardless of age, correction is possible with the right desire. For instance, a psychologist can help individuals re-experience traumatic situations and resolve them differently. The goal is to help individuals understand themselves better and pay attention to aspects they usually overlook. Seeking professional help is always beneficial, as emotions are signals that need proper interpretation.

Surrounding oneself with people who model healthy relationships is also essential. Learning from others’ effective models can replace the ineffective ones learned in childhood. If one partner is unwilling to change, the relationship often ends. Therapy can boost self-confidence and personal strength, making it easier to move on from unhealthy dynamics.

Starting anew doesn’t necessarily require changing jobs or locations. The external world reflects the internal. Without inner change, individuals may continue to attract and provoke the same destructive scenarios. When meeting new people, pay attention to how they treat themselves. Understanding one’s emotions and needs can prevent unhealthy relationships. Those who once exerted pressure may simply fade away, as the world mirrors one’s internal state.

For further reading, consider exploring resources from Psychology Today.