Are you a people-pleaser? A psychologist shares 5 tips to break free of this habit
Are You a People-Pleaser? A Psychologist Shares 5 Tips to Break Free of This Habit
Focusing too much on keeping everyone happy without considering your own needs often stems from trauma or low self-esteem. Psychologist Jacqui Maguire suggests a gentle path to a healthier way of being.
Understanding People-Pleasing
Kindness, flexibility, compassion, and generosity are desirable traits. If you have children, you’ve likely dedicated energy to emphasizing these attributes. However, as Shakespeare asked, “Can one desire too much of a good thing?” Doing too much for others at the expense of your personal needs transforms kindness into people-pleasing.
Many behavioral patterns once served a purpose. For example, you might feel “good” or “worthy” when pleasing others due to their praise. Alternatively, people-pleasers may have developed this behavior in abusive environments, learning that keeping others happy led to better treatment. People-pleasing habits formed from low self-esteem or past trauma can become entwined with a person’s identity and way of life. The challenge arises when this behavior stops serving you and becomes problematic.
Signs of People-Pleasing
- Difficulty Saying No: Setting boundaries feels emotionally risky. You might worry about making others angry or losing friends.
- Always Agreeing: You tend to agree with others, even if it contradicts your beliefs, to feel accepted and liked.
- Frequent Apologies: Taking ownership of faults, even unrelated ones, indicates a focus on keeping others happy.
- Busy with Others’ Agendas: You agree to activities that aren’t your priority due to a desire for approval.
- Conforming to Others: Your behavior changes to match those around you to increase approval chances.
Impact of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing can lead to resentment, overwhelming schedules, and reduced life satisfaction. If you recognize these patterns, remember that these habits developed for a reason and once served a purpose. The human brain’s neuroplasticity allows for change through purposeful practice.
Tips to Overcome People-Pleasing
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and reflect on your life with curiosity to understand your history and motivational drivers.
- Delay Your Response: Instead of automatically agreeing, give yourself time to consider. Use phrases like, “Can I come back to you? I need to check my diary.”
- Voice Your Opinion Gradually: Start small to build confidence. For example, express your preference for sparkling water at a restaurant.
- Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Positive relationships tolerate disagreements and resolve conflicts. Identify people who offer reciprocal support and respect.
- Grow Your Self-Esteem: Develop a strong internal sense of worth. Tasks include writing down three things you did well each day, identifying core values, interrupting critical self-talk, and reflecting on aspects of yourself you like.
Learning new skills takes time and practice. If you’ve been a people-pleaser for years, expect occasional slip-ups. Remember, you have the power to create a new pathway that balances your needs with kindness for others.
Jacqui Maguire is a registered clinical psychologist and a prominent mental health and wellbeing thought leader. For more information, visit Woman Magazine.
