Toxic Love: Unhealthy Habits Often Mistaken for True Affection

It’s a shame that our education system often overlooks teaching us the fundamentals of nurturing and sustaining healthy relationships. While some schools provide sex education, we typically learn about relationships through personal experiences and societal norms. This becomes even more challenging when unhealthy habits are normalized in our culture and society. Dramatic love stories and passionate reconciliations are often mistaken for true love. Let’s explore these misconceptions and learn how to cultivate genuinely happy relationships.

Conflict Disguised as Passion

Our culture often romanticizes relationships that swing between conflict and passionate reconciliations. However, this pattern is riddled with issues. According to Douglas Noll, a divorce lawyer, couples who mask conflict with intense passion are often seeking a “reconciliation dopamine” high, thereby avoiding true intimacy and open communication. In such situations, partners struggle to resolve conflicts effectively.

A “passionate marriage” can often be a euphemism for a relationship in distress. If this cycle of quarrels and reconciliations isn’t broken, the relationship may eventually burn out. It’s crucial to listen to your partner’s emotions, not just their words. Give each other space to foster a deep connection, and then work together to solve other problems.

The Illusion of Peace

Sometimes, it’s easier to ignore issues to maintain a semblance of peace. However, according to psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps, suppressing negative feelings to avoid conflict can be detrimental. While it may prevent arguments, it also prevents problem-solving.

Couples who avoid arguments ultimately can’t resolve underlying issues. On the positive side, discussing feelings can strengthen a relationship. These conversations can help understand the root of conflicts and how to address them.

The Scorekeeping Trap

Many people desire a real partnership, which requires a sense of equality. But where does equality end and scorekeeping begin? Social worker and family therapist Rhonda Milrad notes that keeping track of what you’ve done and pointing out what your partner hasn’t can create conflict.

Experts recommend developing a plan with your partner to determine responsibilities. This system can include household chores, finances, childcare, and should consider individual preferences, schedules, strengths, and weaknesses. This way, you won’t have to negotiate responsibilities each time.

If one partner deviates from the agreed-upon plan, how will the other react? If there’s a lack of empathy for each other’s problems, there may be too much mistrust in the relationship. Instead of keeping score, remember that relationships aren’t always about taking as much as you give. What matters is that both partners are satisfied.

The Tit-for-Tat Habit

This habit often goes hand in hand with scorekeeping. One partner expresses upset over something the other did or didn’t do, and the other responds in kind. While the desire to protect oneself is natural, this habit avoids responsibility and hides one problem behind another.

Arguments can be beneficial if they lead to problem-solving. However, if each partner stubbornly defends their position, such confrontations often express long-held anger and indignation, which is unproductive.

The Absence of Arguments

While arguments can be unpleasant, the absence of arguments can be worse. It’s impossible to be in a relationship without differences of opinion, disappointment, or pain. If there are no arguments, partners may not be entirely honest with each other or willing to discuss their feelings.

Suppressed negative emotions can manifest as passive aggression and can lead to health issues like digestive problems, insomnia, and headaches. It’s essential to learn how to argue constructively and be honest with yourself and your partner.

The Myth of “You Complete Me”

The idea that “you complete me,” popularized by movies like “Jerry Maguire,” can be toxic. Victoria Fleming, a licensed clinical counselor, argues that such phrases indicate an unhealthy degree of dependence on another person. This only works if one partner is willing to give up a part of themselves, which is destructive. Each person should be whole and complete on their own.

While it may seem romantic to be “two halves of a whole,” it’s healthier to view your partner as someone who enhances your already full life.

The Jealousy Paradox

Jealousy is complex. While some mistake it for a sign of love, it’s often associated with possessiveness and abuse. Jealousy arises not from a partner’s actions but from excessive attachment. It’s unhealthy to suppress feelings of jealousy just to avoid being labeled as “crazy.” Instead, work on your self-confidence and sense of security in the relationship, and communicate this with your partner.

Online Monitoring

An unhealthy reaction to jealousy is online stalking. If there’s no reason to believe your partner is cheating, why engage in this behavior? Unfounded suspicions can quickly turn a relationship toxic due to lack of trust. Monitoring your partner’s online activity can also spoil surprises they may have planned.

“It’s Not a Big Deal”

In the early stages of a relationship, everything can seem complicated. Should you call first? Be unavailable? Express your feelings? It’s even harder to navigate these situations with societal pressures and obligations. Trust your intuition. If something feels uncomfortable, listen to yourself. This way, you can identify problems early and take action before the relationship turns toxic.

For further reading on healthy relationships, consider visiting Psychology Today.