Friends with Benefits: Where Does It Lead?

Debating whether friendship between men and women exists is as futile as questioning if sex on a first date is appropriate. Personal biases rarely stop anyone from enjoying interesting conversations with the opposite sex or having great sex with a stranger. We’ve already discussed how to be friends with a guy without drama and the friend zone. If you ignored our advice, you have only yourself to blame. Now, you’re in for agonizing reflections on whether sex within a friendship can harm your relationship and if it was worth it.

The Allure of Intimate Friendships

Intimate relationships with a friend are among the most appealing experiences. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else, and you don’t burden each other with unnecessary obligations. Who else can you discuss your romantic interests with and have amazing sex? We talked to women who have experienced such friends-with-benefits relationships and know where they lead.

Galya, 23 years old

I understand the concept of friends with benefits, and it’s something I’ve experienced. I’ve worked at the same organization for three years, with a great team and some very attractive guys. One of them and I became close friends, and over time, we developed a trusting relationship. We both wanted each other but didn’t have sex right away. We started as friends and colleagues, then began spending nights together, still without sex. This went on for about six months.

One day, we slept together and realized we both wanted it. I thought it might affect our work relationship or even end our friendship, but it didn’t. We regularly visit each other, have sex, and enjoy friendly conversations. He has other partners, but I don’t feel jealous. Maybe because we value each other as kindred spirits. Sex is a pleasant addition and good for health. So, I have a workplace friend with benefits, and it works for both of us without any obligations.

If one of us finds a significant other, will we stop seeing each other? I don’t know. Time will tell.

Olesya, 29 years old

For me, friends with benefits is like a plot from a silly rom-com, where characters often have self-esteem issues and unresolved childhood or adult traumas. The idea is based on one partner being unavailable, busy, and independent, while the other seems just as good but needs a relationship more. They compromise by having sex without falling in love. But this ground is shaky and transparent, like a Sunday morning. Sooner or later, everyone wants to possess the vagina or penis they’ve grown fond of.

Life can be even more dramatic: attachment that can’t be ignored, broken hearts, or even relationships. That’s how it always was for me. I would elegantly enter his sinful life, and then love would begin. My first, second, and third serious relationships started this way: first, sweet sex without obligations, then obligations with the same sex, but now on a schedule. This pattern worked because I was sure he would fall in love with me. I’m that amazing!

Tired of relationships, suffering, and self-reflection, I wanted to lose myself in the arms of some great guy. Relationships are clearly not for me right now—I don’t have the energy. I used to be the one who proudly said, “We’re just lovers; I don’t want a relationship,” but finding that comfort and those arms, I decided not to play that worn-out card. The wheel of samsara caught up with me when the guy said, “I don’t want a relationship. Really. Let’s just enjoy the moment.”

There are plenty of sweet moments, but the sweeter the dates, the more I think about getting into a relationship. But no, I was warned. I’d be stupid to fall in love; it would hurt if my fantasies didn’t come true. And since I’m too old and beaten by life to live in illusions, I have to accept reality as it is: I’m good with him, but I shouldn’t expect more.

Of course, we girls always want to believe in the best, in happy endings and recognition of our uniqueness, but enjoying the moment is also normal. Wanting only erotic experience is not immoral!

There’s no friendship between us. A friend is more than a lover. I don’t know any stories where such privileges ended tragically or epically. In my experience, any sex eventually leads to a relationship if you liked that sex.

Anna, 24 years old

Friends with benefits completely changed my view of love and became the harshest lesson in my life. This guy and I had been communicating for several years, sometimes disappearing from each other’s lives, sometimes returning unexpectedly, as if fate kept bringing us back together. Even if we hadn’t heard from each other for two years and weren’t friends on social media, we instantly found common ground. Living in different cities and not communicating, we suddenly realized that we had been breathing the same air, finishing each other’s sentences, and joking the same way. The understanding between us was almost perfect; I never had that with any other guy.

Regular communication brought us closer. We rarely saw each other, which made sleeping together simple and natural. For a while, everything continued as before—great long-distance communication, rare meetings, and boundless trust. What we discussed, I couldn’t share with just any girlfriend, let alone a guy. Of course, I eventually fell in love, and he had feelings too, but we both knew nothing would come of it. As soon as it turned into a relationship, everything would fall apart.

There was a moment when I lost all boundaries, realized I had gone too far, and it was too late to stop. I confessed my feelings, but he couldn’t reciprocate, although he didn’t hide that I was dear to him. Almost immediately after that, he told me he had a girlfriend. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t accept it adequately. I stopped all communication with him. A severe depression began. I barely ate, slept poorly, and woke up crying nonstop. The world around me was gray; I could barely pull myself together to work, but after a couple of hours, hysteria would set in again. Life lost all meaning; there was no one to share this state with because, along with the loved one, I lost my best friend—the only one who could help me and always knew what to do. I still find it hard to remember that time.

Gradually, I recovered, thanks to travel and work. I couldn’t think about or hear about love for a long time—no movies, favorite music, or books that could evoke such emotions. Eight months after the incident, I finally felt free and able to control my feelings again. I still missed my friend—there were things only he could understand.

At some point, I wrote to him that I didn’t hold a grudge, and he asked if we could be friends again. Now we communicate, but I try to carefully control myself and not let him get too close. As for friends with benefits, I think it should come with warnings like on a pack of cigarettes: “It kills,” “It ruins your life,” and so on.

Margarita, 26 years old

I have a very close person. We dated a long time ago, but nothing serious came of it. After the breakup, we remained friends. Then I had other relationships, and so did he, but we still wanted each other. As soon as we were single, we had sex. I really enjoyed it and still do. When I see him, I get instantly aroused. It’s just how it is with us—we’re great lovers, and there’s nothing we can do about it. We keep coming back to each other, and it’s great together, but…