Navigating Complex, Prolonged, and Unclear Relationships: A Guide to Finding Clarity

Dear Editor,

Greetings from a very confused young woman. I’ve been reading your magazine for several years now, and I particularly enjoy the articles that offer practical advice without the sugarcoating. That’s exactly what I need right now. Specifically, I need a male perspective, a collective wisdom backed by experience.

Here’s my situation: I’ve been living with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been together for eight. We’ve broken up a couple of times, for a few months each time. We’ve both had other relationships during these periods. There was a time when I was studying in another city, and now his job requires frequent travel. We manage the day-to-day stuff just fine. But there are some things that worry me.

He hasn’t introduced me to his parents (though he claims they know about me).
He believes that everything in life is bad and that there’s no point in trying to achieve anything because it will only get worse.
I earn a bit more than he does, but he’s not willing to combine our finances. He pays me back for groceries and takes out loans.
He’s been getting angrier and has gained weight. I’ve tried various ways to get him interested in sports and healthy eating, but nothing works.
He’s becoming less attractive as a man every day. We have sex a couple of times a month.
We don’t have any mutual friends. We can appear together at events, but only to maintain appearances.

He’s not entirely hopeless—he’s handy around the house, has a couple of hobbies he’s proficient in, and these could be beneficial both morally and financially. We have different preferences in many areas, though we can find common ground. Maybe this is just a comfortable cohabitation that doesn’t quite measure up to normal (romantic?) relationships. Perhaps it was a childhood infatuation that we’re squeezing the last drops out of, just out of habit?

My female brain (fueled by mothers and grandmothers who want grandchildren, and Instagram posts of classmates having more kids) is demanding marriage and a baby to keep up with everyone else. But logic is also at work: Is this the right person? Is this my mistake? Is this routine and gloominess what everyone experiences? Maybe I should skillfully adjust my behavior and mold him into what I need? Or are these relationships a hopeless mess, and should I preserve my nerves and sanity?

Understanding the Situation

Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that you cannot change a person unless they want to change themselves. This is a fundamental truth that life repeatedly proves. Your boyfriend has chosen a behavior model that is convenient for him in his current life situation, where there are no problems. He follows the principle of “don’t strive.” In his mind, there are a series of illusions that he sees as the truth, so he consciously rejects any activity that could lead to greatness.

What you’re doing—trying to motivate him, make him stronger and better—is commendable. This is what the best women do, and we know from experience that men stop striving for anything without this. Seriously, every great or even just active man needs a muse, and you are that muse. But not every man deserves this muse, and your boyfriend has become one of those who don’t.

Signs to Look For

Here are some signs that indicate this:

Financial Separation: If he returns your money and doesn’t want to combine finances, that’s normal. This way of separating money helps us keep track of it better and motivates us to earn more. If we could support both ourselves and our women, the budget would be combined. We think your boyfriend thinks similarly.
Loss of Control: What’s scary is not the financial issue but how he’s losing control over his life. It’s clear that he’s not happy with it. When a person gains weight, it doesn’t always mean they love to eat—it often means they’re eating away their psychological problems related to relationships and self-realization.
Anger and Sexual Activity: Sudden outbursts of anger indicate the same. The lack of normal sexual activity (sorry, but twice a month is very little) is the last straw, indicating serious problems.

What You Need

Ask yourself: “Why do I need this?” Maybe your boyfriend isn’t aimed at family life, and we understand him—most of us think the same way. Maybe your boyfriend is sinking because you’re constantly pulling him out, but he wants to live differently but feels something for you, so he tolerates it.

It’s hard to say anything definitive here, although it’s easiest to blame your boyfriend for incompetence and hold him responsible for all the troubles. This is counterproductive.

You know what you need? Just free yourself from this and break up peacefully, without hysterics, accusations, barbs, or whining. He will be free, you will be free, and you will both live long and happily, but separately. Who knows, maybe your next man will be worse than this one, maybe better, but it will be a different life.

One thing is clear: the current life doesn’t suit either of you, not just you alone.

Making a Final Attempt

Want to save the relationship? Make one more attempt, why not (you won’t be jailed for it), but set a specific time for it—say, two months. If after these two months everything still seems as hopeless, then end it—it’s time to turn the wheel of samsara and become free. You’ll do good for yourself and for him.

For further reading, you might find this article helpful: Why It’s Worth Having Sex on the First Date.