7 Apology Mistakes You’re Making and How to Fix Them
Mastering the Art of Apology: Avoid These Common Mistakes
A key sign of emotional maturity is the ability to admit mistakes, not just internally but also verbally. Apologizing can be uncomfortable and awkward, but it’s a crucial communication tool that everyone should master. It might seem simple to mutter, “I didn’t mean to, I won’t do it again,” but often, our apologies are met with more resentment. Why is it so hard to believe in our remorse, and what typical mistakes do we make when trying to apologize?
The “I’m Sorry, But” Trap
The worst thing to hear after “I’m sorry” is the word “but.” Those two letters can negate everything said before them. Even if you use “but” to connect two thoughts, it sounds like you’re taking back your apology. “I’m sorry, but…” leads us to expect a stream of justifications, accusations, or insults—anything but genuine remorse. The only time you can say “I’m sorry” followed by “but” is if you’re on a horseback ride, dramatically galloping into the sunset.
Private Apologies for Public Conflicts
If you’ve hurt someone publicly, apologizing privately shows cowardice. It might seem like the conflict is only between you and the other person, but everyone who witnessed the argument becomes an unwilling participant. A public apology shows humility and respect for the other person. You swallow your pride to fix the discomfort you caused. Such a gesture is hard to ignore.
Not Letting the Other Person Speak
When someone tries to interrupt your apology, listen to them. This shows that you acknowledge their feelings. Ultimately, it’s not as important to say multiple variations of “I’m sorry” as it is to let the other person express their hurt.
Analyzing Their Feelings
Saying something like, “You’re reacting this way because your parents didn’t love you enough, your teachers didn’t educate you properly,” might be true, but an apology is not the time for psychoanalysis. Don’t dissect their emotions. The hurt person wants to know that you recognize your behavioral mistakes. Trying to find objective reasons for the conflict and convincing the other person that no one is to blame will only worsen the misunderstanding.
Using an Exit Strategy
“Did I hurt you? Oh, I’m sorry. What’s for dinner today?” Such a quick transition from an apology to another topic doesn’t indicate the depth of your remorse. There’s no set rule for how long the tragic silence should last or when you can wipe the guilty look off your face. But it’s important to emphasize the apology, not treat it as a perfunctory phrase.
Demanding an Apology in Return
Try to resist the urge to demand an apology in return, even if you deserve one. This is another attempt to rehabilitate your ego as quickly as possible, change the subject, and switch from the role of the villain to the victim. Most likely, when the person cools down, they will realize their own mistakes. Trying to extract an apology from them too soon will only increase the tension.
Not Explaining Your Actions
On one hand, justifications can provoke another wave of aggression from the other person; on the other hand, simply saying “I’m sorry” without any explanation is also wrong. An apology implies that you did something wrong. The person likely wants to know why you acted that way. Try to explain what was going on in your mind at that moment, but don’t deny your guilt.
There are no magic words that can completely erase your actions, but by avoiding these mistakes, you can make it easier to reconcile with the person. The ability to apologize and the willingness to forgive are signs of strength, so don’t neglect them.
For further reading on improving your communication skills, consider exploring resources from Psychology Today.
