Toxic No More: Breaking Free from Codependent Relationships

Even the most harmonious relationships can experience toxicity. Manipulation and codependency are common in many families, marriages, and friendships. Psychologists Natalia Zhukova and Natalia Chailytko shared their insights with us on how to handle these issues.

Understanding Toxic Relationships, Manipulation, and Codependency

Natalia Chailytko, a practical psychologist specializing in crisis states, explains that toxic relationships, manipulation, and codependency are interconnected issues. All three types of relationships are unhealthy and stem from emotional struggles, self-esteem issues, family history, and childhood experiences.

Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships leave you feeling drained and unhappy after interacting with your partner. They are characterized by recurring and mutually destructive actions such as jealousy, possessiveness, domination, manipulation, despair, selfishness, or rejection.

Manipulation

A manipulative person aims to get what they want from you using various methods, from accusations to exploiting your kindness. Manipulation can make you feel guilty, doubt your memory (a tactic known as gaslighting), or dismiss your feelings as unimportant.

Codependency

Codependency is linked to poor self-image, lack of boundaries, and an inability to express your opinion or say “no.” It often involves living for the sake of saving others, which can be detrimental to your well-being and relationships.

Real-Life Examples

Natalia Zhukova, a psychologist with a master’s degree in psychological sciences, shares a real-life example: “My cosmetologist client kept postponing her training sessions because her trainer was toxic. The trainer constantly shared her family and life problems, making my client dread the sessions.”

Toxic behavior can cause physical symptoms like headaches and lead to losing clients and income. When offered help, toxic individuals often refuse, preferring to remain in the victim role. Toxicity is about violating personal boundaries.

Codependency Beyond Addiction

Codependency is not limited to families with addiction issues. It can occur in any relationship, such as parent-child, sibling, or spousal relationships. For example, a 40-year-old son moves back in with his parents, who cater to his every need without addressing his lack of work or financial responsibility.

Codependency now has a broader meaning. It involves a behavior pattern where one partner loses their identity, focusing solely on the other’s problems and life. This behavior stems from a fear of loneliness or low self-esteem.

Practical Recommendations for Dealing with Codependency

The first step is self-awareness. If you can’t do it alone, seek psychological help. Natalia Chailytko shares a case: “I had a client who, despite having no children, was constantly caring for her alcoholic mother, neglecting her husband. The husband eventually left, unable to bear the strain of his wife’s codependency.”

Breaking free from codependency is challenging, especially in parent-child relationships. Codependent individuals often find partners with dependencies, as they find value in saving others. The ideal way out is to enter a healthy environment—be it a collective, family, or friends—where each person recognizes their value and personal boundaries.

Acknowledging the unhealthy nature of your relationships and the other person’s dependency is crucial. Understand that gifts or control won’t save a dependent person; only professional help can.

If the dependency is emotional, focus on your life: rediscover hobbies, friends, and work. Decide what needs to change in your relationships and assess if you have the resources to make those changes.

Understanding Manipulation in Families

Manipulation is often used as an easier way to deal with problems or get what one wants. It usually involves one family member wanting another to sacrifice something—time, personal belongings, autonomy, or power—for their benefit.

Steps to Combat Manipulation

Become the president of your own life. Speak to yourself positively and lovingly. Avoid self-criticism.
Take small steps towards separation in relationships. Find activities outside the relationship and make new friends. Focus on understanding what makes you who you are and expand on that knowledge.
When tempted to think or worry about someone else, actively turn your attention inward.
Stand up for yourself if someone criticizes or tries to control you. Work on developing a sense of self-worth.
Don’t be afraid to say “no” if you genuinely don’t want to do something.

Common Family Manipulation Tactics

Dismissing feelings: A family member may try to convince you that your feelings don’t matter to get their way.
Gaslighting: Making you doubt your memory or perception of events.
Guilt-tripping: Using guilt to manipulate your actions or feelings.

For more information on dealing with toxic relationships, you can visit Psychology Today.