Standing in Line to Adopt My Own Son: Surrogacy Stories Unveiled

Surrogacy: A Complex Journey

Surrogacy is a multifaceted topic that touches the lives of many. We had the privilege of speaking with a surrogate mother, Kate, who is preparing to give birth to her second surrogate child, and a biological mother, Irina, whose child was carried by another woman. It’s important to note that these women are not connected; Kate did not carry Irina’s child.

Kate’s Story: A Surrogate Mother’s Experience

Kate is on the verge of becoming a surrogate mother for the second time. She is currently preparing for the birth, which is scheduled for early September. She has moved to Minsk from her hometown of Mozyr, as the birth is contracted to take place in one of the capital’s clinics. Interestingly, the embryo transfer was also performed there.

“Everything went smoothly; the first embryo took,” Kate proudly shared.

Kate is married and has three biological children: her youngest son is six, her middle child is ten, and her daughter is fourteen. All her previous pregnancies and births were easy, so she was confident that carrying a surrogate child would also be straightforward.

“Initially, I planned to have a child for my godmother; she and her husband are well-off but childless. However, they changed their minds, and I didn’t. I had already prepared for the pregnancy, both physically and mentally… I didn’t want to change my plans. So, I started looking for information online and found a surrogacy agency,” Kate explained.

Medical Procedures and Meetings

First, Kate underwent numerous medical examinations. Once the results were favorable, she was introduced to a couple from St. Petersburg.

“Everything happened very quickly. From the moment I walked into the agency to meeting the parents, it took about a month and a half. We developed a very good relationship with them, and we continued to communicate even after the birth of the baby in 2018. Recently, it was the child’s birthday, and I congratulated the parents,” Kate noted.

Kate mentioned that she never felt any maternal attachment, either during the pregnancy or after the birth. However, she readily recalls the child’s birth date, July 9th.

“When the baby was born, I wanted to see him, but the doctors said it wasn’t allowed. I insisted, saying that I had carried him under my heart for nine months. They didn’t let me see him then, but the next day, I went to their room and even held the newborn. Out of curiosity. But I didn’t feel any maternal instincts,” Kate shared.

Family and Financial Considerations

Kate decided to become a surrogate mother on her own and only later informed her husband.

“At first, he didn’t understand what it was. He thought I would be carrying someone else’s child from another man. I explained it to him slowly and thoroughly, and eventually, he agreed,” Kate recalled.

She admitted that financial considerations also played a role in her decision. The compensation for giving birth to a surrogate child in Belarus ranges from $38,000 to $46,500, depending on the surrogacy agency.

The money from her first surrogacy helped her family pay off some debts, as her husband had been struggling with employment. They also bought a three-room apartment but didn’t have enough left for renovations. “We did manage to go on a seaside vacation,” Kate added.

Thanks to her participation in the second surrogacy program, the family plans to complete the renovations, buy a car, and has already purchased a summer house with the monthly payments.

Interestingly, during her first surrogacy, Kate’s children were still young and didn’t understand what was happening, so she didn’t explain anything to them. However, her relatives and friends were aware.

“I thought about telling my daughter, who is now 14 and quite grown-up. But she doesn’t ask any questions… At home, I wear loose clothing, and in August, she will go to camp and definitely won’t notice anything. So, I probably won’t tell her,” Kate said.

Surrogacy Tourism

Some Belarusian women choose Russian surrogacy programs for higher compensation. We asked Kate about this.

“Although the payments are slightly higher there, the whole setup is very unreliable. Some even wrote that instead of embryo transfer, they were injected with male sperm. No, in Belarus, with a surrogacy agency, I am confident that everything will be done correctly. I would never go to Russia,” Kate concluded.

Irina’s Story: A Biological Mother’s Journey

Irina is originally from Russia but has lived in Sweden with her second husband for many years. She has a daughter from her first marriage, and her current husband has no children. Both wanted a child together.

For a long time, Irina struggled to get pregnant due to serious health issues. She underwent three surgeries and several IVF (in vitro fertilization) attempts. The couple created embryos in one of the Russian clinics for the procedure.

“When only one embryo remained, the doctors said I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. Surrogacy was the only option for us,” Irina said.

After this conclusion, the couple needed time to come to terms with it. Once the initial emotions subsided, Irina and her husband began preparing to enter a surrogacy program. They really wanted a child.

They considered three countries: Russia, Ukraine, and Belarus. After carefully studying the nuances of surrogacy in all three, Irina and her husband chose Belarus, largely due to the Belarusian law that recognizes the biological mother, not the surrogate, as the legal mother.

Meeting the Surrogate Mother

Irina was very nervous before meeting the potential surrogate mother of her future child.

“I was most worried not about the woman’s bad habits but about her husband. What if he drinks, smokes… This could cause problems in the family,” Irina explained.

Soon, the director of the Belarusian surrogacy agency told the couple about Maria, a woman who had decided to join the surrogacy program. It was time for the parents and the surrogate mother to meet.

“I liked Maria immediately. She was only 23 years old when she joined the program. Young means strong. Her husband doesn’t drink at all, which also made me very happy,” Irina shared.

The couple from Sweden chose a Belarusian clinic for the embryo transfer. Maria became pregnant on the first try.

“It was an incredible joy! I am sure that this happened partly due to Maria’s positive attitude. She immediately said that everything would work out the first time. And it did,” Irina said.

For a long time, Irina was very afraid that her maternal instinct would not awaken.

“What if I don’t feel for the baby what I felt for my first child, whom I carried and gave birth to myself,” Irina described her past doubts.

But her fears soon began to dissipate.

“As soon as Maria said she was pregnant, I burst into tears… I was very happy. Although until the 27th week, my husband and I tried to contain our happiness: the first two trimesters are considered the most dangerous,” Irina said.

Maria often sent ultrasound images, and Irina and her husband spent evenings looking at the black-and-white images of the baby’s nose, arms, and legs.

Maternal Instinct

Irina finally realized that she would have a child when she saw her baby for the first time.

“I didn’t make it to Maria’s delivery; the birth happened very quickly. But when I entered the delivery room, Vanya (Irina’s and her husband’s son) was lying on the table under the lamp. I saw this little bundle wrapped in a blanket,” Irina shared.

For more information on surrogacy, you can visit the CDC’s page on infertility.