The Art of Love: Building and Sustaining Healthy Relationships

Who among us hasn’t dreamed of having at least two lives? Or better yet, nine lives like a cat, to try, take risks, and do things we don’t allow ourselves to do here and now. And when it comes to relationships, the field for fantasies is vast: roles, status, pace and style of life, attitudes, and relationships. This list can go on endlessly. Are these fantasies doomed to remain unfulfilled? Or do we consciously or unconsciously act them out?

The Stage of Relationships

Marriage games provide a space where we can try on and live out several roles. To choose, seduce, and ultimately retain a partner, we unconsciously play and try on different roles. What stages do marriage games consist of? Why are they filled with so much energy, excitement, and pleasure? And why has nature inscribed them into our life story? Let’s try to understand these nuances.

The Three Pillars of Marriage Games

Marriage games rest on three pillars: seduction or attraction, courtship, and retention.

The First Step: View Your Partner Objectively

Each of us has felt excitement when entering a room where most people are of the opposite sex. And each of us has noticed that along with excitement, we feel the desire to be liked by these people. This desire works wonders on us: our posture changes, our shoulders straighten, our chest protrudes, our stomach tightens, a smile and slight embarrassment appear on our face making us look younger. Our voice sounds a bit clearer, and our breathing quickens.

At the seduction stage, we need to accomplish two tasks: present ourselves and single out the person for whom we will subsequently strive so hard.

Touching our hair, adjusting our clothes, turning our feet or entire body towards someone we find attractive at that moment – this is the beginning of the marriage game. At this stage, there is a lot of excitement, pleasant embarrassment, and agitation. We feel a surge of energy and inspiration.

If we are lucky and the partner responds to our seduction, the second stage begins – courtship.

The Second Step: Can You Accept Your Partner?

The main task of courtship is getting to know each other. Through communication, we kind of gather a “dossier” on our partner: their preferences, tastes, habits. This “dossier” is necessary for us to compare the obtained information with our expectations and fantasies about the partner. We get the opportunity not only to verbalize our expectations but also to check our reaction when expectations do not match reality.

It is very important not to “skip” this important moment, because the more we are charmed by the partner, the higher the probability that we endow them with our fantasies, which may have nothing to do with them. And to avoid what the famous saying states: “Don’t be charmed, so you won’t be disappointed,” – check your fantasies.

If you see a discrepancy – listen to yourself: how do you feel if the fantasy is not confirmed? Can you resolve not to re-educate and change, but to be next to a partner with such a feature?

The more we clarify our expectations, the higher our chances not only for healthy and pleasant relationships but also for a quality sexual life. After all, it does not tolerate tension and unsaid things.

During the courtship period, we are very attentive to our partner’s facial expressions, trying to read their reaction to our presence. We literally sniff each other, because scent is our imprint by which we conclude whether this person is ours or not. Men pay attention to a woman’s skin and eyes. Healthy skin, sparkle in the eyes form an unconscious knowledge about the health of the companion.

Women choose a man based on external characteristics and status, because unconsciously they need a partner from whom they can not only have a healthy child but also feel safe.

And if the scent, voice timbre, reaction speed, manner of holding oneself, speaking and moving, as well as the way of thinking pass through our inner critic, the second stage of the relationship is successfully completed. A couple is formed, whose task now is to move on to the third stage: retention.

The Third Step: Tenderness to the Partner and Healthy Aggressiveness

Retaining a partner happens along three vectors: tenderness, closeness, and aggressiveness. Tenderness is our ability to care for a partner. To give them warmth, affection, emotional and physical comfort. It is the foundation of relationships, as tenderness equals safety.

Closeness is built behind tenderness – the ability to invite and let the partner into your world. The ability to share their interests, present your own, be nearby, but not absorb each other. Being in a close relationship means being and sharing physically, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. The task of closeness is polar: to preserve your autonomy while maintaining contact with the other.

And finally, aggressiveness. It is necessary to express your interest and desire, and then allow yourself to realize them. Without healthy aggression, the development of relationships is impossible. “Our tenderness and ability to experience closeness fully reveal themselves when we begin to respect our aggressiveness” – Brigitte Martel.

And when these three components are present in relationships, we enjoy the possibility of being together.

There is a lot of joy in marriage games. And if you are honest with your feelings and experiences, if you give yourself the right to make mistakes, take risks, and try further, marriage games will not turn into defective ones, and relationships for the couple will be healthy and resourceful.

Text: Psychologist Alena Korolkova