Unwavering Love: A Daughter’s Journey with Her Mother Through Dementia
A Daughter’s Devotion: Navigating Dementia with Love
Thrive editor Wendyl Nissen shares a touching excerpt from her latest book, My Mother and Other Secrets, and offers heartfelt advice to families caring for loved ones with dementia in New Zealand.
The Growing Impact of Dementia
Dementia is rapidly becoming a significant health concern in New Zealand. According to Dementia New Zealand, approximately 70,000 New Zealanders were living with dementia in 2020. This number is expected to rise to 102,000 by 2030 and nearly triple to 170,000 by 2050.
The Hidden Numbers
One of the challenges in identifying the true impact of dementia is the way it’s recorded on death certificates. Often, doctors list immediate causes like pneumonia rather than dementia. For instance, my mother’s death certificate cited pneumonia, cerebral thrombosis, and diabetes, but not the dementia she battled for years.
The Lack of a Cure and Support
Dementia is a progressive disease with no cure, which might explain the lack of comprehensive support plans. Unlike other illnesses, there are no expensive pharmaceutical treatments or structured care plans. In New Zealand, 70% of dementia patients are cared for at home, primarily by family members, with little to no professional support.
Communicating with Love
When my husband Paul’s stepmother, Valmai, began showing signs of dementia, visits became challenging. She was unhappy and lonely, having lost her ability to drive and engage in activities she once enjoyed. Instead of trying to fix her problems, we found that reflective listening worked best. By acknowledging her feelings and validating her experiences, we could steer conversations towards more positive topics.
The Power of Reflective Listening
Reflective listening involves agreeing with and acknowledging the feelings of the person with dementia. For example, instead of saying, “Cheer up,” when Valmai expressed loneliness, we would say, “I know it’s hard, and this isn’t what you expected.” This approach often led to more meaningful and uplifting conversations.
Staying Connected
Regular communication is crucial. Daily calls or visits can make a significant difference in the life of someone with dementia. Even if the conversations are repetitive, they provide a vital connection to the outside world. For those without family nearby, consider visiting local care homes to offer companionship to residents.
Practical Tips for Caregivers
- Reflective Listening: Acknowledge and validate their feelings rather than trying to fix their problems.
- Regular Communication: Make daily calls or visits to stay connected and provide companionship.
- Engaging Activities: Provide boxes or bags filled with items like magazines, jewelry, or personal care products to spark joy and curiosity.
Finding Joy in Small Moments
My mother used to love discovering items in shopping bags I would leave for her. Filling these bags with cooking magazines, jewelry, and other small treasures brought her moments of happiness. These simple acts can make a big difference in the lives of those with dementia.
Caring for a loved one with dementia is a journey filled with challenges and rewards. By using reflective listening, staying connected, and finding joy in small moments, we can provide the love and support they need.
