Embracing Solitude: The Power of Flying Solo

Human beings are inherently social creatures, but psychologist Jacqui Maguire suggests that learning to enjoy and appreciate time alone can offer a multitude of benefits. As a working mom with two children under three, I find my peace and relaxation in just half an hour of quiet time, preferably with a good book and a cup of tea. Alternatively, a solo bushwalk in the hills surrounding Wellington’s harbor does the trick.

The Journey to Enjoying Solitude

The ability to spend time alone and truly enjoy it is a relatively new experience for me. During my teens and twenties, I felt a constant need to be around others, as if my primal necessity for belonging was under direct threat without continuous company. I recall a conversation with my therapist during that time, who challenged me to spend an hour a day in my own presence without distraction. The goal was to reflect, notice my internal state, or engage in activities that brought me joy. Admittedly, I struggled with this task and failed to adopt the practice meaningfully.

The Misunderstood Concept of Solitude

The idea of being mindful in our own company and the benefits it brings is rarely discussed. While it’s widely acknowledged that humans are social beings dependent on connection and a sense of belonging to feel safe and function optimally, purposefully choosing to spend moments alone is different from feeling lonely or isolated. Healthy voluntary solitude allows us to feel good about the time we spend alone, maintain positive relationships, and return to social gatherings when we want to. In contrast, loneliness leaves us feeling disconnected and empty.

The Stigma Around Solitude

Spending time alone can be challenging due to the stigma, shame, and social rejection attached to solitude in Western culture. It’s often seen as something to avoid, a punishment, or a zone for losers and loners. For young people growing up in a hyper-connected world, the fear of missing out (FOMO) can make solitude particularly daunting. Being alone without external distractions can be uncomfortable and intimidating when we’re not used to it. We might fear discovering unpleasant truths about ourselves or confronting painful thoughts and feelings that a busy social life has shielded us from.

The Benefits of Solitude

Despite the barriers to purposeful solitude, scientists are increasingly highlighting its psychological benefits:

Freedom: Engage in mental and physical activities you enjoy at your own pace and in your own way. Solo time allows you to make choices without worrying about others’ opinions.
Self-Awareness: Improved understanding of oneself.
Creativity: Enhanced imagination and self-reflection, leading to innovation and better problem-solving without the pressure of group consensus.
Self-Sufficiency: The opportunity to realize your own capabilities, which can build self-esteem and autonomy.
Relationships: Increased intimacy and empathy in relationships, as individuals who care for themselves are more capable of caring for others.
Spirituality: Discovery and growth in your spirituality, with the space to ponder your place in the world and your personal thoughts and desires.
Cognitive Benefits: Improved concentration and memory.

Learning to Spend Time Alone

Learning a new skill can be uncomfortable at first, and it takes time to turn that behavior into a habit. Here’s how to get started:

Set an Intention: Determine what you want to achieve from your solo time—reflection, new passions, relaxation, or rest. Having an intention provides a scaffold as you explore this new way of being.
Make a Plan: Schedule a specific period to be by yourself. If it feels uncomfortable initially, start small (10 minutes) and gradually build up.
Eliminate Distractions: Put away your phone or laptop to avoid the temptation of scrolling through social media or endless web content.
Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Begin with activities you’ve enjoyed in the past, such as being in nature, journaling, listening to music, cooking, gardening, or reading.
Reflect on Your Experience: After your alone time, consider how you found it. What did you enjoy? What was challenging? With practice, it should become easier, and you’ll begin to discover the benefits.

The key is to remember that alone time is for focusing on you—for reflection, passions, and rejuvenation. Enjoy the journey of self-discovery and the power of flying solo!

Jacqui Maguire is a registered clinical psychologist who was awarded Wellingtonian of the Year – Education in 2021. She’s a regular media commentator and the founder of the Mind Brew podcast. More information can be found at jacquimaguire.co.nz.