7 Reasons Why the Honeymoon Phase is Overrated

Even if your relationship was the worst thing that ever happened to you, during a lonely evening with alcohol, you might find yourself reminiscing about how beautifully it all began and succumbing to sweet nostalgia. It’s those initial weeks, or even minutes for some, when you’re in love, carefree, and adorably sweet that make you regret breaking up even with the biggest jerk.

The courting period is often considered the happiest time in a relationship. But the thing is, it’s also the most blind period, inevitably ending with a rude awakening.

According to Professor of Psychology at Albright College in Reading, Pennsylvania, Gwendolyn Seidman, “There is compelling evidence that passion declines over time, so people should expect that to happen in their relationships. People who have the most unrealistic expectations about how wonderful and blissful their relationships are going to be will be disappointed.”

I believe that the honeymoon phase in relationships should end as quickly as possible. Here are my seven reasons:

1. You Worry About Every Little Thing

The first few months of a relationship: he shouldn’t see me messy, sick, tired, or upset. Most of us want to maintain this perfect image for as long as possible, spending a lot of nerves and effort on it.

Can’t we just skip to the part where I’m suffering from food poisoning, hugging the toilet, and he’s running to the pharmacy for medicine at four in the morning?

2. Every Date Needs to Be Extraordinary

Pretentious dates where you gaze into each other’s eyes over a candlelit table are great. Never mind that you spent half a day choosing what to wear, trying to style your hair in a special way, and worrying all evening about not ruining your tights. Or rushing across town after work to change clothes. For romance, you can sacrifice comfort. But imagine having to do this every weekend.

Not to mention those unfortunate souls who suddenly burst in with a happy smile and say, “Congratulations! It’s been a month since we met. Here’s a gift.” Honey, I sometimes forget my own birthday—what about the day we met?

Seidman notes, “People tend to try harder at the beginning of relationships to impress each other, dress up for dates, and so on. Since people invest more effort in the relationship during the getting-to-know-you stage, it seems more romantic.”

3. This Time Makes You Believe Everything is Perfect

Your first fight might be completely harmless—over a misinterpreted emoji or an argument about where to go on the weekend. A couple of years later, you might call him a damn egotist, throw a pot lid at him, and not even consider it a conflict. But when you argue for the first time, it leaves a very unpleasant impression because the courting period made you believe everything was perfect.

After the honeymoon phase comes the adjustment period, when the relationship becomes more serious. There is a theory called the “Relational Turbulence Model,” which explains the ups and downs of relationship satisfaction at these early stages. When two people start to take each other more seriously, they need to integrate their lives together. This means they will interfere with each other’s lives,” explains Dr. Seidman.

4. There’s a Lot of Sex, But It Could Be Better

Once the relationship reaches a certain level of intimacy, you have sex at every opportunity. Some start right from the first date, while others prefer to wait at least a week. The fact is, quantity does not necessarily mean quality—it takes a lot of time to learn each other’s preferences and get used to each other. Over time, sex will take up less space in your life, but you might feel more satisfied.

Seidman states, “It is normal for sexual frequency to decline, as does passion. However, research shows that very frequent sex is not necessarily a sign that the relationship is particularly good. Couples who had sex once a week or more tended to be more satisfied than couples who had sex less often. But having sex more than once a week did not provide any additional benefits.”

After the courting phase, you finally don’t have to pretend that you want each other all the time, and an evening without sex isn’t time wasted.

5. You Might Miss Important Flaws

Even the most sincere people won’t show their true selves in the early stages. Seriously, I’ve checked. At some point, I thought that if I discussed all the details upfront, there would be no surprises.

So you tell him, “You should let me go out with my girlfriends sometimes because I’m not ready to give that up, and your prohibitions will only lead to lies on my part.” “Yes, of course!” he says, looking at you with Pomeranian Spitz eyes. Some time later, an enraged bulldog is growling into the phone, demanding that you stop any outings and reduce communication with people to “Pass the fare.”

The courting period brings a lot of positive emotions, but you won’t be able to predict if you’ll be as good together later until it ends.

6. It’s Impossible to Maintain the Feeling of Being in Love for Long

The novelty of a relationship is a time so wonderful that I would break up and get back together with a guy again and again to make the butterflies in my stomach reconsider dying, nest there, and have offspring. Some people actually do this, but you won’t get far on this roller coaster.

Seidman explains, “In the early stages of relationships, people’s brains release a chemical whose effect is similar to amphetamine. This explains why people can seem so excited at the beginning of their relationships, and they will talk all night or have sex.”

Even if you somehow managed to fix this state, you wouldn’t last long. You’d die of exhaustion. Although, maybe that’s even better than slowly but surely dying of boredom?

7. In the End, You Stay Together for Boring Relationships

Or you realize it was a fleeting infatuation and move on. According to scientists, being in love, like an orgasm, was designed to make people build relationships and continue their lineage.

Evolutionary psychologists argue that this was useful so that a person would be truly excited and invest in the early stages of the relationship. It takes a lot of effort to restructure your life and form a relationship. If it weren’t so exciting and beautiful, we wouldn’t make the effort. People who experienced a lot of passion and excitement in the early stages of courting are those who are most likely to pass on their genes,” says Seidman.

When the wow effect wears off, withdrawal sets in, along with painful deliberations about whether this is your person and if it’s what you need. The problem isn’t your incompatibility but this damn honeymoon phase.