10 Forms of Sexual Coercion We Often Overlook

While violence and its repercussions are widely discussed today, there’s still much to be done to fully understand and address how it affects our lives and relationships. Violence doesn’t always manifest in its most aggressive and recognizable form, with a clear victim and perpetrator. Often, it’s more subtle and insidious, making it difficult to identify and acknowledge that each of us may, in some ways, be both a ‘victim’ and a ‘perpetrator.’ We’ve delved into this issue and present 10 instances of sexual coercion that often go unnoticed, yet are frequently considered normal in partner relationships.

Demanding Sex When a Partner is Ill or Fatigued

No one should feel entitled to sex, nor should sex be considered the cornerstone of a relationship. While sex and its variety can indeed strengthen bonds, it doesn’t mean that either partner should feel pressured or fearful of judgment or abandonment due to its absence. This pressure is particularly unacceptable when a partner refuses sex due to illness, fatigue, or a bad mood. If you or your partner views such refusal as an offense, it’s a red flag indicating not only potential coercion but also the overall health of your relationship.

Using Sexually Charged Insults

This behavior includes not only derogatory language during sex (which some may find arousing) but also comments about a partner’s sexual behavior and history, both past and present. Words like ‘slut,’ ‘stud,’ or phrases such as ‘you think about sex too much,’ or ‘you’ve had too many/few partners’ are forms of verbal coercion, pressuring your partner to conform to your standards. If your partner hasn’t consented to discussions about their sexual history or finds such topics offensive, it’s crucial to stop and approach sexual deviations with greater sensitivity.

Dominating a Partner During Sex

Unless both partners agree that dominance and submission are desired, this behavior can be seen as coercion and even a form of violence. While many find dominance or submission sexually liberating and pleasurable, and it’s practiced in cultures like BDSM, it’s essential to note that couples experimenting with their sexuality typically have clear agreements about their actions. To avoid becoming a victim or a ‘perpetrator,’ it’s vital to discuss these issues and establish each other’s comfort zones.

Inflicting Pain During Sex

Again, as long as both partners consent to experiencing and inflicting pain, this behavior is considered normal. However, if your partner causes you pain without consent, or if you express your emotions in this way without a positive response, it’s necessary to address this issue to avoid causing each other physical and moral harm.

Involving Others in Your Sexual Activity

Sex with additional partners, swinging, and other sexual experiments beyond traditional sex are popular in today’s world, and many couples find these activities acceptable, interesting, and desirable. We’re not suggesting that these practices are abnormal. However, if you or your partner involve someone else in your sexual life without consent, it’s a form of sexual coercion. There are other scenarios. For instance, you or your partner may have agreed to such experiments in the past or expressed interest in trying them in the future, but when the moment arrives, you realize you don’t want to proceed. In this case, continuing with the sexual activity is wrong. Being open to the possibility doesn’t mean you must want it at that moment or can’t change your mind. Insisting on group sex is a form of sexual coercion.

Forcing a Partner to Watch Pornography

Using pornography as a means of arousal or to achieve a new level of intimacy is natural and beneficial for some couples. However, each person has their own views on pornography in life and relationships. Forcing a partner to watch porn is unacceptable, as it can cause emotional distress. Similarly, you shouldn’t remain silent when someone forces you to watch porn when you’re not in the mood, don’t want to, or believe it’s inappropriate. Reserve pornography for personal viewing or for times when both partners are comfortable with it.

Forcing a Partner to Dress Sexually

When it comes to clothing, each of you has complete freedom. It’s one thing to want to excite, surprise, or please your partner with your outfit, but it’s another to feel pressured about how you should dress for sex or in general. It’s also unacceptable to react aggressively or take offense when a partner refuses such requests. In sex, both of you should feel comfortable, and all actions should be voluntary.

Making a Partner Feel Guilty for Lack of Sex

Coercing a partner into sex isn’t always done through force or aggression; sometimes, it’s achieved through emotional manipulation and guilt. For example, if you’re unable or unwilling to have sex, and your partner responds with statements like, ‘I’m not getting enough sex from you,’ or ‘If I don’t get sex from you, I’ll find it elsewhere,’ this behavior can be considered emotional abuse. Your partner is making you feel guilty or obligated to ‘please’ them to maintain the relationship. If your partner doesn’t respect your needs or you’ve stopped having sex, it’s another red flag. It’s essential to discuss sexual issues constructively, without manipulation or coercion, and to understand why one of you may not be attracted to the other.

Forcing a Partner to Drink Alcohol Before Sex

While having a couple of glasses of wine before sex to set the mood is a classic scenario, alcohol can still be a tool for sexual coercion. Even if a partner isn’t completely incapacitated, being under the influence of alcohol impairs your protective mechanisms, making you more likely to agree to things you wouldn’t in a sober state, which can be exploited.

Forcing a Partner to Have Children When They’re Not Ready

Reproductive coercion is another form of sexual coercion that deserves attention. The traditional family structure is evolving, and today, each partner decides when they want to have children. If you or your partner are being pressured into having children before you’re ready, it’s essential to address this issue and ensure that both partners are comfortable with the decision.